The value of a life to your false humanity...

It's September 11, 2013, twelve years after the attack on the twin towers and everyone is posting "Never forget" and "In remembrance" pictures on Facebook and it's making me insane.

Before you start accusing me of being even more of a heartless bitch than you already thought, allow me to state my point of view...

I am human, I am fully capable of empathy; losing a loved one no matter the circumstances is hard and heartbreaking.  It's a pain that everyone on this planet shares multiple times in their lives (admittedly some more than others).  That is the one guarantee about life, it ends and there is nothing we can do to stop it.  Having said that, I've cried over the loss of strangers or even people that I really didn't care for just for the simple fact that I can empathize with the loss that their loved ones are feeling.

9-11 was a tragedy that rocked our country to its very core. The impact that it had was felt for various reasons the most relevant being, the scale of the foreign attack on our home soil and the number of lives lost.

Scale, 3000 people, that is a large number but not larger than the number of people who die in this country everyday for other reasons.   Yet, this is so much more tragic because they all died in the same space/time?   If all of those same people still died the same day but in car crashes scattered throughout the nation would you still remember them, would you feel so "heartbroken" today?  Is the pain someone feels due to losing a loved one in the attack more valid than the pain of a mother who lost her child in childbirth, more tragic than the pain of a child who lost their father in a drive by shooting? 


Have you even once stopped to contemplate the number of people who die to terrorism on a daily basis in other countries?  The people who live through events like 9-11 on a daily basis?  Is this country's loss more important than theirs?
I already know what most would say "This is more real to us because they were Americans and it happened here."
So what you're saying is that because the people lost were Americans their lives were more valuable than the lives of the people lost in other countries?  Our pain is more significant than the pain felt by the hundreds of thousands of people in the other countries?  In 2011 over 600 people in Iraq were killed in car bombings, more than 600 just to car bombings, that's not including other acts of terrorism.  Reread that and let it sink in for a moment.


You know what I hate worse than Christians of convenience?  Humans of convenience.  To those who are incapable of understanding that I will explain. 

I hate all the people who need a holiday or tragedy to remind them how to be human.  Christmas, Veteran's day, Thanksgiving, today, etc   The days of the year when everyone goes around preaching about how they and everyone else should show respect and love one another... every life is precious, make love not war blah blah blah.  Fuck you!  You should behave that way everyday.
Saying that you'll never forget the lives lost in 9-11 doesn't make up for the fact that you treat people like shit every other day of the year and would gladly step on the throat of someone to get ahead in life.  
You're all fucking hypocrites.

I behave the same way everyday no matter the circumstances.  I treat people how they deserve to be treated, if you're a good person I'll treat you as such, on the other hand if you are a loser waste of flesh, I'll treat you accordingly.

I've made it quite clear that I prefer the animal kingdom to humanity, I've never seen an animal go out of it's way to fuck someone over out of maliciousness.  Animals follow their instincts, if they eat you it was because they were hungry, not because they were jealous of your new shoes. 



I've gotten a little more derailed than I intended so I'll just end this here..


Moral of the story:  A human life is a human life, none more valuable than the next.  Everyone is somebody to someone.  Stop being an "American" and start being human.   If you so value life then stop preaching about it and start proving it.   Talk is cheap and so is your fake ass humanitarian bullshit. 

I'd like you to go to Hell, do you need directions or can you find your way on your own?

Oh it's been a long time... I have quite a few partially completed posts, I may finish them one day if I recapture the correct motivation but in the meantime they shall remain in limbo.  This particular blog is actually more of a rant, I'm not sure how much structure will be involved.  Hopefully it will be enough of a release that it will save me from a lengthy homicidal related prison sentence.

Those of you who are hands on managers, business owners will be able to sympathize with this first part. 

My club is open 2 nights a week.  Two nights a week I deal with all sorts of drunken bullshit drama because not only am I the owner/manager I also work my own bar, I do a little bit of everything but most of my time is spent bartending.  It would be less than honest of me to say that I'm all smiles and rainbows at work, there are indeed times where I am not exactly what I would call pleasant.  Hard to believe right?  

There are many things that can trigger my moods, the first that I'm going to address is one I've talked about before but apparently it needs to be talked about again. 

(Fade in) customer x approaches the bar "Amanda, can I talk to you?" 
Amanda: "Sure, what's up?"
X: "Well I was thinking you should do.. blah blah blah blah blah blah.. because even though everyone really loves your club and always a great time here you should change everything and do, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah."
Amanda:  "Well you see this won't work because...."
(fade scene)  The blah blahs were to fill the spaces where I stopped listening to a damn thing said.

I fucking hate people trying to tell me how to run my business!  I'm open to input and suggestions but next time you decide to approach me to tell me how exactly I should change everything, please keep a few things in mind; I have been working in night clubs and bars for nearly 20 years and have successfully been running this one just shy of 10.  There is a method to my madness, there are reasons I do certain things and not others.  Other than trying to adhere to Arizona's ridiculous liquor laws, I also have to take into consideration what will work in this town, especially with our diverse crowd.  In the mean time trying to keep costs down because everyone wants something for nothing.
You think you can do what I do, I'd like to see you fucking try.


Moving right along... All bars have regular customers who we make exceptions or do favors for.  Mine is no exceptions.  I'll be the first to admit that I have my favorites.  My favorites aren't always based on what most people would assume either, it's not all about money.  Yes, money talks but in the long run if someone is a total douche bag it doesn't really matter how much money he has unless he's got enough cash in his wallet to buy the club out right.   A lot of my favorites are just people who come in frequently, spend a moderate amount of money and have a good time.  Non dramatic, fun,happy people.  For those people I will go out of my way, I will grant favors and make exceptions.
However, if you're a mildly pleasant but gets increasingly obnoxious as the night progresses, comes in once every 4 months (if that) and happens to spend $200 one night, don't expect favors from me.
Especially when said favor would put my liquor license and livelihood at risk.

 both of these lead up to

"At least you only work two nights a week."  Oh really?  If that's the case then I'm doing something very wrong.  Please enlighten me on how exactly the world stops at 2 AM every Sunday morning.  How the liquor magically restocks itself, the bar cleans itself, paper work files itself, taxes get paid all on their own and so on.  Seriously, people who do you think takes care of the disasters you leave behind?  The Keebler elves don't live here.  Everything you dirty, break, or consume I'm responsible for replacing and or cleaning.  That's just the basics, who do you think maintains the parking lot, pulls the weeds, adds music to the computer, plans the special event parties, designs and makes the pretty flyers, buys the decorations etc etc etc.  I own a business, I'm a mother and a wife.. I work 24 hours a day 7 days a week. On top of my "only two nights a week".


Bonus material, Don't knock on my front door.. I try to be gracious to those who have forgotten their credit cards but I've had all I can take.. from people asking for their ban to be waved, seeking employment and today's icing of wanting to dispute their cc tab that he signed for last night. 

Yes this part is just for you Adam J Ornelas, good job asshole you've now ruined it for everyone.
I'm now actively looking for a new home and will be moving as soon as I possibly can.  No longer will anyone be available during the week to help the poor souls that have forgotten their cards on Saturday night.  So if you happen to be one of those unfortunate people you can thank good old Adam!  I will say this for him he's either a special kind of stupid or has some serious balls to go to someone's home and accuse them of ripping him off...

Moral of the story: If you went to a restaurant and the next day wanted to dispute a charge on your credit card would you go to the home of the manager of the restaurant or would you call your credit card company?  If you wanted a job at Safeway, where would you go to put in an application?
Use your brains people, assuming you have one.  I know I'm probably assuming too much from most of the population.

The friend zone

It's not what you're thinking, I'm not talking about some poor bastard who is secretly pining for his best friend.  Although, that may be a topic in the future.

No, this is about people who can't seem to tell the difference between business and personal matters.

It's common knowledge that I am a business woman, I own and run a night club.  Any given weekend you can see my sunshiny smiling face behind the bar (yes I'm being sarcastic).  From the moment I step foot into that bar I am all business.  Friend, foe, or family member, no longer exist for me, you are now either a customer or an employee. 

I do my best to treat everyone with respect until they give me reason to do otherwise; what that means is no matter who you are if you fuck up, I'm going to let you know and treat you accordingly.

My dearest employees (past,present, and future): 

Get this through your skulls, if I didn't like you on a personal level you wouldn't/won't work for me long.  I'm the boss and one of the only perks of that is not being forced to endure coworkers that I can't stand.
However, I can't be friends with my staff.  Not meaning that I won't be friendly or that we won't chit chat at work but don't get your panties in a twist if I don't hang out with you socially.  I've been burned too many times in the past by "friends" that I've had working for me. I learned a valuable lesson by it, an employee that considers themselves my friend expects special considerations or exemptions when it comes to work (there are a few exceptions to this rule and they know who they are.) and then get hurt when they realize that they aren't special, not when it comes to my business.  If you're fucking off at work you are fucking with my livelihood and I won't stand for it.  No one is irreplaceable and you're not exempt from that rule no matter how close we are.

There have been times in the past that I've been backed into a corner and not been able to "punish" bad behavior but I have a long memory so if you currently work for me and think you've gotten away with your stupid bullshit, think again.   


My friends, or people who think they are my friends:

I love it when friends come in to party it up.  I enjoy my bartender/hostess role and helping my friends relax and have a good time.  It's always nice to have a bar full of people that I enjoy it makes everyone's night nicer. 

Having said that, if you come into my club and act like a stupid jackass don't expect me to coddle or baby you.  Anyone that is truly my friend damn well knows that I will be the first person to call you out on your bullshit and that is especially so if it's in my bar.  In fact if we truly are friends I'll actually probably be harder on you than I would be with some random asshole.  I hold my friends to a higher standard and if you are going to behave like and idiot, I have no use for you in my life.  There have been some people who have learned this lesson the hard way, some handled it better than others but either way they all now know not to expect special treatment if they've screwed up during my business hours.  So let me say this in case I haven't made it clear, if I'm working don't expect me to treat you any differently than I would a complete stranger; all the same rules apply to you as they do to anyone else. As I said before, if you're fucking up in my bar, you're screwing with my livelihood and no one likes to have their money fucked with.

Bonus material!!
Also pretty common knowledge, I live right behind the club.  Yes my HOME is directly behind it, it's quite convenient on delivery days and save a lot in gas money (please note the enunciation on home).  When I'm at home I'm no longer in business mode, this is my personal sanctuary.  Nothing boils my blood quite as much as when someone comes knocking on my front door with business related issues.  If you want to talk to me about business related matters come talk to me when I'm at work during business hours.  If you want to apply for a job and you come to my home not only will I tell you to go to the bar while it's open but I guarantee you that your application will go directly in the garbage if you come back to fill one out.  If I wanted to apply for a job at the office down the street I sure as fuck wouldn't go to the owner's home to ask for a job.  Have a little common courtesy you assholes!   The one exception are people who have forgotten their credit cards the night before but even that has its limitations. For those who have knocked on my door before 10 in the morning FUCK YOU!

Moral of the story:  If it's business don't take it personally, and if it's personal don't bring it to my business.  If you can't make a distinction between the two,  you're an idiot, we aren't friends and you're just fooling yourself.

Special shout out to Daniel J. Zuniga-Romero who is one of the best customers ever!!

The United States of Stupid part IV

Here we have part IV, the last planned post in the United States of Stupid series.  Originally there was but one topic for this post and it was going to be relatively short and sweet.  However, I have already been irritated by someone's inability to read and honor a basic request so, this post is going to grow.

 Before I start let me say this, I am not bashing people for being religious!!  I have always had the mind set of to each their own.  If God, church, and religion makes you happy and gives you what you need to get through life, fine that's great for you. However, I've never known a person of religion that didn't at least all but demand everyone respect their religious beliefs; yet they are so unwilling to offer the same respect for those who don't share their belief.  If I respect your right to worship, respect my right not to.

Last night while browsing news headlines I happened upon yet another article regarding the religious conservatives pushing for a new law that would further restrict a woman's ability to have a safe and legal abortion.  I understand their outlook on it, according to them it is murder, wrong, and goes completely against God.  Again I have no problem with that, that is how they feel and believe, I respect that.  What I have a huge problem with is the people trying to force their beliefs and feelings upon every person in this country (abortion related or otherwise).

Myself, I'm not pro-abortion, I am pro-choice.  Let me explain this standpoint for those too dense to understand. I don't think that abortion should be used as a form of birth control; there are a lot of options available for that.  What I mean is that if you run around like the town tramp, spreading like butter on hot toast (especially without protection) I don't think you should use abortion as your fall back; get fixed, get on the pill, the shot, hell take a plan b with your breakfast.   That being said, even with the most responsible adults accidents happen, condoms break, pills fail etc.  It is for these people I absolutely support their right to choose to have the procedure if they feel it is the best option for them.  I can't even fathom how someone could question this right for rape victims...

Your religious beliefs are your own, if you have a moral issue with abortion, don't have one; it truly is that simple.  Get off your soap boxes and stop your crusades, if there is a God, then he will judge us all when the time comes, it's not your place to do so.

Moving right along to the original short and sweet topic....

I've already written a whole post on gay marriage and how I feel about it but, there is one particular issue that really irks me and that's what I'll be addressing here.
Everyone that is anti-gay marriage has their own reason for feeling that way, some religion, some are homophobic, what ever.  Fine if that's how you feel, I'm not here to try to change anyone's mind.


What I want to know is this, why do convicted murderers and rapists that are still incarcerated (some even on death row) have more rights in this country than someone who is gay?  Why is it that someone who has raped and killed multiple people is allowed to marry while still in prison but someone who has done nothing but fallen in love with another human of the same gender can not?

I'll leave it at that.

Moral of all the stories I-IV:  The road to hell is paved with good intentions and we are now right in the middle of it.  This country has gone to hell and the future is grim.  History has shown us that all great empires implode, wake up America or we will be the next example.

The United States of Stupid part III

Six in the morning and I'm writing a blog post... this could get interesting :)

Today's topics may be slightly more controversial than the previous two; having said that, if you disagree and your feelings are hurt by what I say, I don't give a damn!

I'd like to discuss the "rights" that we bestow upon people, who in my opinion don't deserve them compared to people we deny those same privileges. 

Let's start off with the welfare system!  Another good intention that has been completely overrun with stupid.  Some people believe that we should abolish the welfare system altogether; I disagree, I think it just needs to be rebuilt in ways that no politician has the balls to push as their agenda. 

I was raised with a simple principal, help people who are trying to help themselves.  Simple example, if I at some point needed to borrow money from my father because my car broke down and I couldn't get to work, he'd lend it to me; on the other hand if I needed money to pay rent because I was sitting on my ass all day long, he'd tell me to get bent.  
  What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word welfare?  To most it's some lazy woman with 8 kids, sitting on her ass and continuing to reproduce all in the name of free money.  This isn't just some random stereo type, people have that association because it happens so often. This is the classic perfect example of someone who does not deserve help and should forced into sterilization.
Wake up people, it should be a hand up, not a hand out!  I've long been bitter over the welfare system and it's backwards ethics; people who need and deserve a little help are normally the ones denied the help.  Here comes a personal experience example; once again we get to reflect on my time at American Express.  I'll try to condense this because I really do want to move on to my next subject.

Long story short, I was a single mom working my ass off to support my son. His "donor" has never paid even a penny of child support.  I was doing my best to financially keep afloat, and although I had a good paying job, day care expenses were making that nearly impossible.  So on one of my days off I went to D.E.S and applied for child care assistance, nothing else.  A week later I get a letter in the mail telling me that I had been denied due to the fact that I made .75 cents a month too much to be eligible.  So essentially they were telling me that if I took a lower paying job, or only worked part time I could get all the help I wanted, but since I was doing my best to be self sufficient I was screwed.  The only way to fix it, burn it to the ground and rebuild completely.

This next portion is a part that may be a little more controversial.  Let's talk illegal immigrants.  For the most part I will be discussing more localized issues but some will apply to any and all.
Let me first say I was all for the DREAM act.  I thought it was a great idea, and for anyone who has been in the country illegally for years, if they have been working and providing for their families, and not involved in criminal activities (other than being here illegally) then let them stay.  What's done is done.  

I want to talk about ones that are coming now.  If someone from an impoverished country wants to come here to try and make a better life for their family, do it, but do it legally. If you were trying to get a new job, would you break a major company policy in efforts to get that job?  No, it's the same thing.

Here in Arizona illegal immigration is a hot topic (no pun intended), every year dozens of immigrants die in the Arizona deserts from heat and exposure.  It's sad yes, but it's the chance they willingly took.  Some years ago I read an article in the Arizona Republic that boggled my mind.  The Bureau of Land Management began allowing water stations to be placed in the deserts to help curb the number of heat and dehydration deaths in the illegal border crossers.  Hey why don't we put a couple of shelters and soup kitchens out there too?  For fuck's sake people we are supposed to be discouraging illegal migration, not helping them out.  Don't misunderstand me, I'm not some heartless bitch that wishes death upon people seeking a better life, but don't start your life in our country as a criminal.  Come over legally, even if it takes 10 years to be granted the ability, wait for it, it will be worth it.
Same topic, different scenario, there was a stash house in Phoenix where authorities discovered dozens of illegal immigrants (men,women and children) they were being forced to remain in this small home with no running water, food or air conditioning for that matter, it was deplorable.  After some time they arrested 3 men who had smuggled these people over and forced them to stay in the home.  The three men were citizens of Mexico and also in the country illegally.  Almost immediately public arguments began on what should be done to these men.  Some said we should process them through our legal system and charge them with kidnapping, child endangerment etc, others said hand them over the Mexican authorities, and still others said we should just shoot them.  I personally agree with the latter, anyone who force those conditions on another human (especially a child) doesn't deserve to live.  A second branch of arguments arose from the first.  That being, did they have the right to an American trail?  In my opinion, the answer would be hell no.

They aren't citizens of our country, therefore none of our "rights" or "privileges" should be extended to them.  They are not protected under our constitution and don't deserve a trial by a jury of our peers.  Why in the hell should we spend our tax dollars on scum that's not even American scum?

I think this is a good spot to take a break and it will lead well into tomorrow's post :)

Moral of the story:  People need to wake up out of their "America the beautiful" dreamland and realize how ugly things really are.  Help those who deserve it, and not be so scared to brush aside those who won't even try to help themselves.  Nothing in life is free and the only thing anyone is entitled to is death, everything else you have to work for.  

The United States of Stupid part II

Here we are part II in the series of however many I end up writing under this same heading lol.  Maybe something interesting will happen this week at work and I'll switch it up back to bar banter.

Today I want to broach a subject that I touched on lightly in my last post. What a bunch of candy-asses everyone has become.  Most laws/rules that are put in place with the best of intentions, but they ultimately end up being taken too far. 
Let's first address sexual harassment and sexism.... Obviously when it came time to make the law it was desperately needed.  No one (male or female) should have to withstand that type of abuse just to keep a job.  However, just like everything else it's been taken to extremes and has completely gone overboard.

My own personal example:
  Years ago I lived in Phoenix and worked for American Express.  Anyone that has worked in a customer service call center (especially a finance based one) knows how incredibly frustrating it can be.  That job literally drove me to drink most days.  Anyway, on one particularly frustrating day I got the call from hell; I was on the phone with the same client for over an hour attempting to help her understand the reversal of a temporarily issued credit.  By the time the call ended I had a migraine setting in, and felt like jumping out the window.  A coworker and friend of mine named James came by my cubicle and noticed that I was obviously not well.  He went and got me a glass of water, came back and started rubbing my shoulders.  (Before I continue let me mention that James was very openly gay but that didn't dissuade our fat cow bitch of a supervisor from her fantasy that one day they would be a couple.)  He lingered for a few moments and then went back to his own desk.  The next day when I arrived at work, I'm immediately summoned to human resources to be advised that both James and I were being written up for sexual harassment because "Someone" (yeah the fat cow bitch) was offended by him rubbing my shoulders.   

Through the years we've seen news of kindergarten students being suspended for kissing, in higher levels of school boyfriends and girlfriends are not allowed to show even basic harmless affection such as holding hands on campus with out being reprimanded.

Hell, just a few months ago President Obama was forced to apologize for calling a woman attractive because it was sexist... Can we not even pay a harmless compliment anymore?  Give me a god damn break!!!

Something else I've never been able to wrap my head around is the taboo that we've made nudity and sex.  No I'm not talking about the videos you rent in the poorly lit back room of a video store aka porn.. I'm talking regular movies that have nudity or love scenes.  Parents will allow their children to watch all the bloody graphic violence that they can handle but god forbid there be a bare breast in the movie!!

My example:

The movie 300.. I loved it I think it's a great movie, there's a lot of  graphic violence and in my opinion a very tasteful sex scene.  When it first came to theaters I asked about it online, to get a general idea if it was appropriate for my 10 year old son to see.  The few people who knew me well and responded said yes I would be fine; others that didn't know me so well chimed in and said that if it weren't for the sex scene it would be fine.  I took the advice of my better known friends and we all watched it and loved it.

If you haven't seen 300 please do so now and maybe you'll understand my point...   How do people feel comfortable letting their children watch mass bloody murder but not a husband and wife make love?  "Oh I don't want them exposed to sex or nudity because it might make them become curious or active" ← If that's your argument, you're fucking backwards!
First of all, in my opinion if you're actually doing your job as a parent, your kids aren't going to learn how to behave by something they see in a movie;  I see it like this, if my son is going to be inspired by TV/Movies to do something, I'd rather him have sex than kill people.
 "Well all of the violence/murder in this movie/show is fiction, sex is something real" ← Fuck you, pick up a paper, watch the news, pull your fucking head out of the sand, because although some details may be different all of that violence is real.  So, here we have yet another example of how twisted our country has become.  We're essentially teaching them, yeah it's ok to go on a shooting spree but god damn it you better be fully clothed when you do it!

Moral of the story:  If basic human compassion and affection is wrong, I don't want to be human anymore.  If we don't want to live in a world that is parallel with that of the movie Equilibrium, then I suggest we take a step back and reevaluate some of our laws and regulations. 

The United States of Stupid part I

Fore thought:  This topic will be a mini series of sorts, way too much ground to cover for just one post.

There is so much wrong with country I'm not even sure where to begin.  Not a day goes by that I'm not shaking my head and thinking to myself "We've completely fucked ourselves and we didn't even kiss ourselves first."

Our "great" nation is so ass backwards, there's no saving it, we've died at our own hands, we just don't know we're dead yet. 


Let's talk priorities and what's important.  Assuming that all of my readers are adults, most of which are parents, I ask the question, what is more important to you, the safety and welfare of your child or which team won the Superbowl this year?  Unless your a complete waste of flesh you are going to answer your child/children.  I say to you, fucking prove it!!

We'll use college as an example.  At any major public university, who do you think gets paid more, a physics professor or the head football coach?  If you answered the professor you're an idiot and are a shining example of the lack of education in this country. Here is just one of the many sources on the subject.  I know what most would say next, "The sports programs bring in so much revenue for the universities." I've heard it before but the argument just validates my point even further.  We as a nation spend more money on watching a bunch of meat heads toss a ball than we do on educating ourselves.  We are so fundamentally fucked up we try to justify the rot with it's own stench.
Seriously, we pay entertainers of any sorts (sports stars, musicians, actors) more than we do teachers, police, fire fighters, and in some cases health care providers (no I'm not talking about your plastic surgeon you superficial bitch) and we wonder why our country is full of dumbed down criminals?




 
Speaking of schools, when I was a kid in school there were open and obvious distinctions between students and their abilities.  Winners and losers, gifted students and ones that needed special ed; if you were competing in any sort of contest and succeeded you were awarded for success and if you lost well "try harder next time loser". Ok, maybe they weren't quite that blatant about it but the losing team/person certainly wasn't awarded.  It's a part of life, you lose/fail, you learn to face that and hopefully find a way not to do it again.  Yes there were often hurt feelings but again those hurt feelings handed you a valuable life lesson and help children prepare for life in the harsh "real world".

Now here we are in the world of no child left behind, you're all special and unique snowflakes, there are no losers.  *coughWTFISTHISBULLSHITcough*  We are setting our kids up for a terribly rude awakening if not total failure.  The NCLB act was a nice idea, forcing schools to adhere to certain national standard.  What it's really accomplished (in many cases), is teachers focusing lessons solely on what is covered on the standardized test, all but completely obliterating funding for gifted programs, and curving grades to make sure the school doesn't fall below standards.  Children that have no business advancing to the next grade are still being passed, until they've graduated high school and still can't read at an eighth grade level.  Parents scream and cry out injustice "the teachers are failing our children".  Wrong again, we are failing our children.  If your child is struggling rather than point fingers, take the time to help them, if you can't maybe you should go back to school yourself.  So many people today expect teachers to not only teach but essentially raise their children for them. If you want a nanny hire one, but don't expect a poorly paid teacher to do your job for you.






Moral of the story:  Though I know I'm not the only one who sees the desperate need for radical changes, I also know nothing will change.  Even if the entire country read this blog and agreed, nothing would change.   Until more individual people are ready to radically change themselves and their priorities, our country will remain headed down the road to no where.

Stay tuned for part II of  "The United States of Stupid"

Abusive bartenders and the assholes that love them..

It's been a month since my last blog, I'd like to blame it on writers block but honestly I've just been too emotionally "down" to rant publicly over anything.

Even now as I write this I'm feeling quite "blah" about it.  It's not a rant or rave just an observation I've made a few times and got a good laugh about yesterday.

I'm a bartender; I've worked in bars for nearing twenty years so I've grown accustomed to withstanding all sorts of abuse.  Tolerance all in the name of the mighty dollar.  However, I've also perfected the technique of dishing out abuse to deserving customers and them eating it up like candy; it's truly amazing what you can get away with saying to people as long as you have the right tone and a smile on your face.

This last Saturday night I lost my composure; after what seemed an eternity of nearly every person I served arguing,complaining or whining, I snapped. I screamed, cussed, threw stuff, and even told one guy to fuck off and go away.  I immediately went in the back room to take a moment to pull myself together and went back to face the hordes.  For the rest of the night I was a special kind of bitch, seriously verbally abusive to my customers but of course always with a smile on my face.

One customer especially got under my skin.  He's new to the area, (I'm pretty sure Saturday night was only his second time in) and in a very short time has demonstrated all the behaviors that I fucking hate in customers.  If you've read any of my previous blogs you know some of them but I'll give a brief summary for those who haven't.

• Slamming your hand on the bar or whistling to get my attention
• Demanding my attention and then when I get you not knowing what you want
• Arguing over alcohol content in the drink (I pour heavy if you can't taste the alcohol you need to go to AA)
• Not having payment ready
• Acting like you're the only customer in the bar (if we are busy you're going to have to wait for service, I hate for you but everyone has to wait at some point)
• and last but not least the "I used to be a bartender" (this one really gets on my nerves.  Really, I could give a fuck less if you used to work in a bar, you don't now.  Also, obviously for some reason you weren't successful enough at it to own one and I am so your insight is invalid)

After having done all of the above but the last one, he put the last nail in his coffin with this:
Him: "I need a sweet but really strong drink for a girl"
Me: "Ok how about an Amf or a derailer?"
As I make my suggestions he turns around to confer with a friend, I wait ....wait... now I walk away to wait on other people..  Eventually making my way back to him I ask him if he's decided what he wants.   I can't remember what he ordered but it was a drink I'd never heard of, I told him I didn't know how to make it and asked if he knew what went in it.  He then proceeds to say that he didn't know but his friend (the one he originally turned around to talk to) used to be a bartender and had made the drink up.
Me: "Are you fucking kidding me right now?" just as I'm about to tell this guy where he can shove his suggestion, my Jerri Lu steps in and says "If you're friend made it up, how in the hell is she supposed to know how to make it?"   He walks away to find his friend, the both eventually come back to the bar and he orders an Amf.  I face-palm and make his drink.

To say the least for the rest of the night I did nothing but talk shit to this kid.  Patronizing him in every way that I thought I could get away with.

Fast forward to Sunday.. I'm at home sitting on my couch in my pjs when there is a knock on my door.  It's the "friend" he had forgotten his credit card.  I begrudgingly put on my shoes and walk over to the bar. He follows me in and right after him is the "annoying guy".    Polite conversation was made while I was getting his card and slip and then they said something that inspired this whole post..

"Thanks for everything last night you're awesome" I laughed a little and told them that I know I was a huge bitch to them all night.  They proceeded to argue with me, and tell me that they loved me, how much fun I was and that I was one of the best bartenders they've encountered.
Maybe they are very sheltered or gluttons for punishment,but I am still giggling about it.

Moral of the story: I treat customers how they deserve to be treated.  If you're good to me, I will be to you; if you're a little annoying asshole I'll treat you like one.  This is one of the reasons I love what I do, the ability to call people out on their bullshit and get away with it.  So, the next time you're in my club if you feel like you're being treated poorly by me, step back and take a self assessment of your behavior and maybe you'll realize why you are being treated the way you are.  

Why are we so afraid to talk about it?

First let me say I really debated even writing about this.  I mean no disrespect and I am in no way making light of a tragic situation.  Everyone expresses grief in their own way and this is my outlet.  If what I say offends you, I'm sorry but it's just how I feel.

Today our small community learned that someone that was pretty well known took her own life.  Family and friends are reeling from the news and everyone is left with unanswered questions and pain that will not be easily healed.

When I first learned what happened, I was stunned and shocked just like everyone but rather than transitioning into sorrow for the loss of this woman I knew, I felt empathy for her son and his loss.  I began running through how he must feel in my head and it broke my heart for him.

From empathy to anger...

I have lost more people than I care to count to suicide.  I've never understood it, I simply can not comprehend what could drive someone to that.  At least not the people I've known because even though they may had been going through a particularly difficult time, their life still wasn't that bad and they would have come through it had they just stuck it out.  I can't fathom how someone could do that to their families.  Did they not even consider what they were doing to anyone else by taking their own life.  Extinguishing their light from the lives of all those who loved them.  It's selfish and terrible!

This is doubly applicable when there are children involved.  The woman we lost today was a mother; she had an amazing son that I know she loved wholeheartedly.  She often spoke of and bragged about him.  He had been her world.  So what changed that?  How could she turn her back on him this way?  Leave him in this terribly ugly world without his mother to depend on?  I don't even want to think about what that poor boy is going through.  I'm an adult and the thought of losing either of my parents automatically brings tears to my eyes and pains in my chest.

When you decide to become a parent, you lose all rights of being selfish, your life is not your life, it is your child's life.  You brought this precious soul into the world promising to cherish, protect and love them; to help them grow.  How dare you be so self centered!  I don't care what pain you are feeling did you not once consider what you were doing to your child? 


Alas, I didn't write this with the intentions of slamming anyone I'm just angry.

I also have another question running through my mind, why does everyone feel so taboo when it comes to suicide?  What I mean is, I have seen countless RIP posts on Facebook today and anytime someone would ask what happened... *crickets*   If she had been hit by a car everyone would have answered without delay; so why not the same for this?  It's not bad mouthing her or disrespectful to her family.  It's just honesty on the situation.  It's not pleasant but death rarely is no matter the form it comes in.  Don't be afraid to speak the truth.

Moral of the story:  I'm not sure there is one really.  What has happened is tragic, unnecessary, selfish and stupid.  I'm angry and hurt for that little boy that will never again see his mother's beautiful face.  Things of this nature bring about many emotions for many people, don't be ashamed of yours, I'm not.

The legal drinking age ..

The legal minimum drinking age used to vary state to state until nineteen years ago when Congress passed the National Minimum Drinking Age Act of 1984 (Title 23 U.S.C. §158).  This law essentially told the individual states that if they wanted to continue receiving federal funding for roads and transportation they would raise their legal age to 21.  Initially there were some states that resisted but by 1988 all had complied. 

There were numerous reason this measure was pushed but the most prominent were the amount of late night traffic accidents involving alcohol.  Supposedly upon reaching the age of 21 people were more mature and were less likely to drive drunk.  Over the years there have been a myriad of studies published, and national groups formed all in support of this action. Whether or not it has actually help curb accidents or alcohol related crimes, I highly doubt.

The law also has its oppositions, the most reasonable argument being our armed forces.  If someone is old enough to enlist in our military, kill and possibly die in the defense of our country they should be able to legally drink any where in the country.  I completely agree with this sentiment.  I don't agree that you can label maturity with a numerological age.  As I have said a million times, my 17 year old son is far more mature than a good amount of my customer base.  Let's be honest, once alcohol is involved you should just cut people's general IQ in half.

After the absolutely ridiculous night we had at work tonight I've come up with a better idea than setting the age minimum to 21.

First, let me take a minute to thank the socially inept mental midgets that caused the large fight tonight and in turn gave me the inspiration for this post.  An extra special thank you to the girl who attempted to hit me, it was my pleasure to introduce your face to the wall.  I hope you will be life long friends.

Anyway, I think you should have to have a license to drink, sort of a like driver's license. First you get a permit, this permit allows you to go into bars and buy alcohol with the supervision of a licensed person.  The purpose for this being hands on practice for the testing.  It would be required that you be a permit holder for a minimum of 6 months before being allowed to test for your license and if you have any indiscretions in that time frame  your permit is revoked and you are automatically disqualified from reapplying for a year.

Once the minimum permit time has been met there would be a series of tests that you must submit to in various stages of intoxication.  These tests would include things such as, IQ, general disposition, problem solving and how you respond to different forms of emotional/physical stimulation.  If you fail any of the above you would be reissued a permit and would repeat the original process.

Upon passing the tests you would receive your license which would be based on a point system just like a drivers license.  Point values would be assigned to a list of incidents such as acts of violence or driving while intoxicated.  If or when you are involved in an incidents points would be removed from your total point pool. If your point pool reaches zero your license would be revoked for the minimum of a year (possibly more depending on the severity of your actions), you would lose the ability to purchase alcohol during that time and you would be required to attend alcohol responsibility classes.

Obviously there would be a lot more involved than what I've listed here but I just wanted to paint the picture.  I think I should run for office....

Moral of the story: Age does not dictate maturity levels and not everyone should be allowed to drink upon reaching the age of 21.  Certain people should never be allowed to. Maybe I should turn my place into a private club and just make this a membership rule.  Anything to keep these fucktards out of my bar!

Real friends, real honesty, and you look really stupid

Anyone that knows me knows that I am not the type of person to sugarcoat things, I call things as I see them.  If you ask me for my opinion or for advice I will tell you exactly what I think irrespective of your feelings. Don't get me wrong, I do have tact, I don't blatantly set out to hurt peoples feelings but I don't go out of my way to soften any proverbial blows.  

The above is especially true when it comes to my friends.  To me a true friend will always tell you the truth.  I'm not talking about the little white lies we tell such as making up an excuse to get out of dinner plans when you're just feeling too lazy to go; I'm talking about the saving face, lip service lies.

If one of my friends is behaving like a jackass in public, I'll be the first to smack them in the face and tell them.  Relationship disputes, I won't side with my friend just because they are my friend, if they are the ones causing the dispute guess what, I tell them.  If my best friend was wearing something that looked terrible on her, I'd tell her.  In my opinion a friend is someone you know you can trust, someone you know will be honest with you even when honesty is painful.  As the old saying goes, the truth hurts.  Maybe that's why I don't have many friends.

Personally I'd much rather have someone tell me "Amanda you look like a cow stuffed into a potato sack in that dress" than them not say anything and me go into public looking like a cow in a potato sack.

Unfortunately, that is not how most of the world operates.  Our population is full of a bunch of ass kissing, coddling, whiny babies.  People who do nothing but tell you what they think you want to hear or what will make you feel better for the time being.  God forbid we are honest and hurt someone's feelings!  
    
It's something we all see on a daily basis, I, especially so in the bar.  I'll see these girls walk in with their friends and think "They must want her to look like shit and embarrass herself."  I also wonder "How the fuck did you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn I look good." are you blind or stupid?" Maybe they don't have mirrors I don't know!  

I'd like to offer a little advice to these poor,blind,stupid cows in potato sacks.....

• If you weigh 200 pounds, don't try to dress like you weigh 120 pounds.  Fat rolls are ugly, no one wants to see that shit (with the exception of people who have fat fetishes but we won't go there now) I'm not saying you can't be big and dress to impress but for fuck's sake dress your size!

• Make up is to enhance beauty and to help hide minor flaws, if your face looks like you got ganged banged by a package of magic markers, you're doing it wrong.  During the day your make up should be as light and natural as possible; for night time activities apply it slightly darker and more dramatically but not to the point where you look like you could be purchased on the corner for $20.  If your eyelashes look like a Venus flytrap comb those fucking things! If you are a circus clown or a hooker on Halloween then please ignore all of my above advice.

• High heels... High heels can be very sexy but only if you can walk in them!!!!  If wearing heels makes your legs resemble flesh colored jello in pantyhose, don't wear them.  Not only do you look like you're playing dress up in mommy's closet but it's potentially hazardous to your health.  The higher the heel the harder the fall!   

• Last but not least.  There is a difference between dressing/being sexy and  "Hi! I'm a 7-11".  This one is a little harder to address because it really can vary for everyone.  Something that looks sexy on one may make another look like the street's red light special discount deal.  Just remember showing skin is fine but leave a little something to our imagination!  Mystery is sexy!  Above all showing intelligence and self confidence is the ultimate turn on for men or women.  So show those traits a little more than your flesh. Unless you suffer from any of the three issues listed above, because if you do you have no intelligence or self confidence to begin with and everyone will know you're just a fake bitch.

 Moral of the story: If you call yourself a friend, be one.  Honesty is a bitter pill but coming from a friend it has a sweet coating that makes it easier to swallow.  Also, if your friend loves you enough to be honest with you, appreciate it don't get your feelings hurt and be a pouty asshole!

 

You're not an adult, but you could play one in the bar.

Let's talk about fighting.... More specifically bar fighting, and to narrow it even further, fighting in my bar.


I'm not a violent person and I have never seen the point of fighting.  Short of someone hurting my son there isn't anything I can think of that I would get in a fight over, and honestly if someone hurt my kid it would probably be murder rather than a fight.  I once had someone ask me if I'd get in a fight over my husband, the answer is no. Wes is a big boy he can take care of himself, if some chick is hitting on him, it's on him to tell her to get bent.

I see it like this, I'm an adult and have to face adult consequences; there is nothing anyone can say or do (excluding hurting my son) to me that could ever be worth the amount of trouble that comes along with getting into a fight.

I've heard some seriously lame ass excuses for fighting, examples:

• They called me a/an *insert vulgar name here*
• They slept with my significant other
• He/She cheated on my sibling/parent/cousin/friend/dog

 My responses to each:

• Who the hell cares what they said?  How old are we again?  Oh did it hurt your poor little feelings?  Should I get you a blankie and bottle?   This isn't grade school, get over it!
• If your significant other cheated on you, then the problem is with them; they are the ones that betrayed and hurt you.  How is fighting the person they cheated with going to make it any better?  What's done is done. Deal with your relationship issues!
• It's none of your damned business!  Assuming all parties involved are "adults", let the people involved handle their business.  Fighting to defends someone's honor just makes you a special kind of stupid, fighting in someone's honor because they asked you to makes you both look like mental midgets. 

When it comes to bar fights women truly are the root of all evil.  In my honest opinion 99% of bar fights are over some dumbass drama queen.  There are an endless amount of examples/scenarios that I could use to prove my point, so I'll just use our fight from last night.... Names will be omitted to protect the ignorant. Parties involved: "Drama queen", "Drama queen's brother", and "the other guy".
(I'm assuming that Drama queen and the other guy were some how romantically involved in the past but I'm not sure on what level exactly)  I'll condense this the best I can...

For my reader's sake let me give you a little history on the parties involved: 

The other guy:  Laid back guy, comes in has a good time, shoots pool has never been in trouble in my place.

Drama queen's brother:  Has a past used to be a serious pain in the ass but has really made an effort to get his shit together and has become someone we really enjoy having in.

Drama queen:  She's exactly what her given title says.  Has always been a rude pain in the ass who appears to enjoy stirring the pot.  In my personal opinion she's a whiny bitch. (The type of chick who would wear a bikini at the beach and then get pissed when a guy whistled at her; you know, an attention whore!!)

Last night was a decent night, not super busy, but busy enough to keep us busy.  Drama queen and Drama queen's brother had already been in for an hour or two.  In walks the other guy.  He orders a beer walks over, stands against the wall talking with his group of friends.  Please note that the other guy not once left my line of sight the entire time leading up to the fight.  Next thing I know, Drama queen's brother is attacking the other guy. Fortunately it was by the front door so as attempts to break it up are made the fight is moving outside.  Ok so it's moving out the front door, punches being thrown between Drama queen's brother and the other guy but now Drama queen is also punching the other guy in the back of the head.  Once it got out the front door everyone was separated, the cops were already there and quickly started snagging people up.

Now we get to hear the excuse for our little fiasco.  Drama queen had been a busy little bee, running to her brother to claim that the other guy hit her, making sure to say it loudly enough that numerous bystanders over heard...  If you recall my comment earlier, the other guy had not left my sight, I knew for a goddamn fact he hadn't just hit her.  A fact that I immediately relayed to the cops. The whole time the cops are questioning brother and the other guy, Drama queen is running her mouth (quiet loudly at that) saying "Hit a woman and see what happens". As the questioning progresses the truth is starting to come out.  One officer begins questioning Drama queen, who is now changing her tune a bit and says "He slapped me a year ago."   (apparently that is true, the other guy admitted that.) Fundamentally men shouldn't hit women but in my opinion, if a woman is beating the crap out of a guy and trying to fight like a guy, well..... Plus something tells me she probably really deserved it.


Now start the apologies, Drama queen's brother was the first, "I'm so sorry Amanda"  me, "No you aren't.  You're an idiot and I can't believe you pulled that shit, the last thing you need is more legal trouble.  Wtf were you thinking?"  him: "But I was.."  I cut him off at this point "I don't care why you did it, it was stupid and I don't want to talk about it anymore.  I'm going back to work now."
 Drama queen chimes in "I want to apologize too and tell you why..."  cut her off " I don't care, I don't want to hear it, I'm going back to work now."  As I was walking away to go back inside I could still hear her screaming that she was sorry.  I still don't care, she isn't sorry about the troubles she caused me she's sorry that she got in trouble.  
 All three got cited for disorderly conduct and Drama queen in 86'ed (which is kind of a silver lining I suppose) .Now here it is my day off and I'm obligated to go scan through surveillance footage, copy it and give it to the Sheriff's department.

So there we have it, I'm left with a huge mess to clean up,a loss of profit and my day off interrupted due to some attention whore drama queen who got slapped a god damn year ago.  Yet, people still don't understand why I get so pissed over fights in my bar?!

I am seriously considering investing in shock collars and helmets with drool catching chin straps for these people.

Moral of the story:  Fighting is stupid, fighting in a bar even more so.  21 is the legal drinking age because that is allegedly the age at which people are mature enough to behave themselves *coughbullshitcough*.  Seriously my 17 year old son is more mature than a lot of our customers.  According to the law you are adults time to start acting like it or keep your dumbasses at home!

 







 

A little perspective. F▲©% you and your FML

Warning:I'm writing this as the thoughts pop into my head, so it could be a jumbled mess by the time I'm through.

Sitting here rather moody and contemplative this morning, my mind reeling over this past week's events, globally and on a more personal levels; I'm feeling completely lost, and crushed.  I've lost all hope for our species, I've no faith in humanity and honestly believe that although there are good people out there trying to do good things they will never conquer all those trying to tear the world down.  I'm trying my damndest to put things in perspective (regarding my personal issues) and snap myself out of this woe is me self pity party I seem to be having. 

Here is my thought process:  All in all I have it pretty good.  There are many things in life that I am grateful for. I'm a total selfish bitch for feeling sorry for myself because no matter how I feel about my life at the moment there are so many people who have it so much worse! People who live out everyday in terror and misery all due to circumstances beyond their control.  Comparatively I should be shouting from the roof tops about how good I've got it.

All that got me to thinking about one of my biggest pet peeves... "FML" (for those that aren't familiar with this acronym it means "fuck my life")  I detest this phrase and every time I hear someone say it I have the strong urge to punch them in their face. Examples of how people that I know have used it recently:

• "FML got my hair done and they did it wrong"
• "FML just got my car out of the shop and got a flat tire"
• "FML they baby woke up 30 mins earlier than I had to get up this morning"
• "FML I have to wait another month before I can get the new Iphone."
• "FML it's snowing again! I don't want to go to work."

But allow me to retort: Fuck you, you selfentitled cry babies! 

• You have hair and can afford to get it done.
• You have a car and the money to get it fixed 
• Both you and your child woke up this morning
• If this is your biggest disappointment so far in life, you're fucked end yourself now because you will never survive reality.
• You have a job to go to

 Have we really become so petty?  How in the world are you going to whine and cry over your hair or a flat tire when there are people in the world whose lives are inundated with horrific violence, loss of loved ones, famine and disease?   Pull your head out of the sand for a minute and take a look at the world around you.  I'm not saying that the things happening to you aren't a pain or a even a major inconvenience  but in the grand scheme of things they mean nothing!  Put it in perspective and try to remember how lucky you really are.


Moral of the story: I'm still sad, and feeling lost but am well aware of how fortunate I am. 
For all of  the selfentitled bitches who use "FML" next time you feel like saying it, slap yourself in the face and just leave it as "Fuck, this sucks." and move on.

Take your religious hypocrisy and shove it up your....

In advance, forgive me.  I'm beyond annoyed at the moment and what better way to release than to rage in my blog.

I was actually enjoying my Thursday morning.  Went for a run, had started a new blog post (which I've now put on the back burner for this little gem), and was just sitting on my ass waiting for a beer delivery.

I decide to briefly browse Facebook when I saw a post from a friend asking for prayers because his father is in the hospital due to a heart attack.  I feel for my friend, I'm an empathetic individual (and a daddy's girl) so my heart breaks for the pain and fear he must be feeling right now.  What I am not, is religious.  I don't believe in God, the bible, or the church; therefore, I don't pray! 

I wrote a brief response to my friend full of my well wishes and hopes that his father have a speedy recovery.  I ended my response with "You and your family are in my heart and thoughts."; a response which I felt adequately expressed my concern.  My friend "liked" my response and then replied with his thanks.

A few posts later... Enter the rude bitch:  "I'm so sorry for what's happening to your dad.  You are all in my prayers!  I'll make sure to pray extra hard for him!  I will also be praying that God is kind enough to forgive the people who are too good to pray for him. Is it so hard for you people to say a prayer for this man?  I hope you repent before the judgement." 

*Face palm*  Now if I was so childish as to start a theological battle on my friends post (which I'm not) my response would be this:

Dear Rude Childish Bitch,
I'm not too good to pray, I don't offer to pray for the man because I don't pray.  I never claimed to be too good for anything; I will now though.  What I am too good for is people like you!  People who are Christians of convenience.  You scan through the bible (If you've even read it.  Have you?  I have!) and pick and choose what to believe and what "rules" to follow.  You throw your nose up in the air at anyone who doesn't share your beliefs and consider them lowly lesser creatures.  
Newsflash!  I don't have to believe in a god to be a better person than you apparently are.  With few exceptions (murderers,rapist, etc) I treat people with respect.  I don't judge them for their beliefs or how they choose to live their lives (it's obvious that you aren't aware that the bible states you shouldn't be doing that either).  I have been judged and looked down upon nearly my entire life for various "religious" reasons, and my response is this.  I'd rather be considered a godless heathen than to treat people poorly just because they are different from me.  I don't have to be religious to be moral and I offer you this advice; if you are going to claim to live by the word of "God" you better go pick up the bible and read because you have a lot of changes to make.  I do take comfort in knowing that if there is a hell, you'll be there too.


Moral of the story:  I will always be as respectful as I can be to anyone's faith, all I ask in return is that you respect my right not to believe.  If you are happy with your religion, that's great and I'm happy for you, I'm happy being an overall good person with no religion and let's just leave it at that.

   

Just turned 21: A bar virgin's tale

We've all seen it, the newly 21 year old who is in the bar for the first time (this person will be known as the virgin.).  Their friends on a dedicated mission to get the virgin falling down, rolling in their own vomit, drunk (these friends will be known as missionaries) .  It's become a sort of rite of passage into adulthood for some.  This is all well and good as long as our virgin is in the hands of at least a one or two pseudo-responsible people (from this point forward, referred to as the babysitter(s)); however, if that is not the case it can become a very miserable and disastrous experience for all parties involved.

Babysitter - ba·by·sit·ter, noun: A person who is charged with caring for, ensuring the safety of, and taking partial responsibility for the actions of another individual.  A babysitter must see to it that the person in their care behaves in a somewhat publicly acceptable manner and help to clean any messes that are created by the person they are caring for.

The perfect scenario:

 A group of people go into a bar, in this group there is one virgin, two babysitters and a few missionaries.   The missionaries immediately start ordering every shot that they can think of including the notorious shot of Barcardi 151™.  The babysitters sit with watchful eyes drinking water and cursing themselves for ever agreeing to do this shit in the first place.  The virgin progressively gets louder, more clumsy and more obnoxious with every shot.  This is where the babysitters pounce!  They start walking the virgin around, encouraging them to dance, drink some water or a soda, anything to get the virgin to slow down a bit.  Too late the virgin is already hammered.  The babysitter now has two choices; con the virgin into going home or follow them around the bar all night picking up lost articles of clothing, apologizing to everyone that the virgin offends with their words or actions and making sure that if the need to puke arises that the puke lands at the very least in the trash can and not on the table or floor.


That is exactly what did not happen in our place this last Saturday night.  It went a little more like this...

Four guys walk into our bar, three of these four I would consider virgins. Although only one had just turned 21 the two others had only turned in the last six months and on their faces, the looks of "the deer caught in the headlights" combined with "kid's first trip to Disneyland".  Their first round of the night was ordered from me; "We want shots, something that tastes good but won't make us look like pussies." (yes that is a verbatim quote) I laughed to myself and poured them Jolly-rancher shots. Personally I don't care if they look like pussies or not; I don't want them puking on my bar.  They take the shots and high-five each other (I literally LOLed at this). They pay me for the shots and walk away (no tip, which didn't bother me at this point, they are virgins after all)  

 Moments later they return and start grilling me on various bottles and what they taste like, finally they go with the old "Surprise us"  this time I poured them pomegranate tequila.  Again high-fives all around, payment and no tip. 

Rinse and repeat about 6 times.

 Now our virgins are starting to not only get obnoxious but they are getting rude, and demanding.  Seeing no easy end and being a little too busy I just decided to ignore them.    They migrate to the other end of the bar, to Wes.  Now Wes is an amazing bartender, he's like lightning behind the bar. Sadly, he's not built up the tolerance to idiots that I have over the years and is a little quicker to ignore people he considers annoying.  One of our virgins committed a deadly sin; while ordering some shots of Jack he called Wes a dick.  Game over man!  Game over!  Wes handled the situation a little differently than I would have;  I would have probably thrown the shot in the kid's face called him every name in the book and then had him tossed out on his stupid ass.  Wes simply pulled the shots off the bar and told the kid to get bent.  (keep in mind I wasn't aware of these happenings until long after the fact)

The virgins now wander back down to my side of the bar, a few friends of the virgin pack order shots for themselves and the virgins.  Fireball whiskey all around, the friend pays and tips (YAY)   This shot was the proverbial nail in the coffin for our virgins. One in particular was being quite rude and loud.  Spouting obscenities left and right trying to get my attention.  When I finally acknowledged his existence he used the opportunity to attempt to proposition me.  When I say proposition I mean, telling me the things he'd like to do to me sexually. I laughed him off and told him I wasn't a pedophile.  Another customer (one that we are rather fond of and vice versa) who was sitting next to the virgin starts to order, virgin loudly bangs on the bar and demands immediate service.  Good customer smacks virgin in the chest and tells him "Hey motherfucker, you don't talk to my bartender like that!" Virgin attempts to retort but all that comes out is some incoherent half assed insult. 

Seeing that this is going no where good, I tell the virgin and the rest of his virgin pack it's time for them to go.  I have the bouncer fetch their D.D, and thankfully they are quickly gone with no further incident. 

Moral of the story:  Virgin or not, if you can't handle your alcohol make sure you have a babysitter who is willing to clean up your messes and keep you from getting your ass beat.  Most importantly never ever piss off your bartender!!  We can do a lot more than have you thrown out, you are completely at our mercy and we can take revenge in ways you will never see coming or live down.  

 

Please check your fantasies and suspicions at the door.

Oh it's going to be a long but (hopefully) insightful and entertaining one!

~ Check your fantasies at the door!!~
This portion of the post is just for you guys!  Aww aren't you special (helmet!)
Most bars/clubs especially night clubs in large cities hire only the hottest of the hot girls to sling drinks.  They do this for a reason, it keeps your attention and keeps you coming back for more. Who doesn't want to be surrounded by eye candy as their drinking?  Just to make sure you're clear on this point, I'll break it down to it's most simple form.  The establishments hire these women because they want you to come in and spend more money, the girls work there because it's a decent job with decent hours and they want your money.   Please keep that in the back of your mind as I continue...


So a guy walks into a bar/club orders a drink  and starts eyeballing the hot bartender. He decides he's going to take a crack at her...  We will assume that this guy isn't dumb enough to use some lame ass pick up line that we've all heard before and that he has the sense enough to know that his so called "swag" and  the "game" he throws means absolutely jack shit to the bartender unless he's handing her twenty dollars every few minutes that he's talking.  He starts with basic idle chit chat, current events, sports, the weather, what the fuck ever... That is fine, we work in a social environment and if we aren't busy most of us love to chat.  The night continues, he continues drinking.  Drink by drink he becomes more handsome, charming, witty, over all irresistible and the bartender is dying to be ravished by him . * ONLY IN HIS OWN MIND  * In reality he's becoming incoherent, tedious, sloppy, over all annoying and the bartender is dying to cut him off and throw him out.

Men take a hint, get a clue!  We are getting paid to be nice to you! Our employer not only pays us for our ability to make and serve drinks, they pay us to be cute and nice so you'll come in and spend money.  We tolerate even more of your bullshit lines and ass grabbing if you're a good tipper. Money talks bullshit walks. We serve drinks and get hit on for a living!  If you're honestly interested in a female bartender and want to be taken seriously, don't get drunk and still tip like a champ.  After multiple nights of this then ask her out and maybe then you'll stand a chance. 
I'm not saying it's impossible for the hook up to happen because just like men, sometimes we just want to get laid too. However, more often than not, it's the money coming out of your wallet, not the words coming out of your mouth that makes us smile.

Moral of the story: Guys if you want an easy lay, strap on your beer goggles and go find the lonely drunk tramp in the corner.
~ Also I don't mean to be biased, but since I'm a female bartender I'm writing from my perspective.  I'm well aware that this applies to both sides of the gender coin. 
 ~Special shout out to the women this applies to. Since the male bartender works in a place where he is constantly surrounded by hot women, do you honestly think flopping your saggy boobs up on the bar is all that impressive? Go be the lonely drunk tramp in the corner.

~Check your suspicions at the door~
This part of the post was actually inspired by another blog that I frequent:
 Tales from a bar ~ Significant bother
I highly recommend reading all of his posts, the man is a genius.  In his post he covered the proverbial kid in the candy store lifestyle that most bartenders are capable of leading.  Seriously as a bartender you never have to spend a night alone. It's a great life full of ego boosts, shameless flirting  and every variety of "candy" you could possibly want. 
That is not what this post is about, this post is about the dark side of the life. 

One of the biggest problems is jealousy. Oh yes the green eyed devil rears his ugly head all over the place in a bar and certainly doesn't limit himself to the drunken patrons.

I was raised in the bar life, so I've seen more than my fair share of failed relationships due to drunken indiscretions but I've seen just as many fail due to jealous suspicions.  Trying to maintain a healthy relationship as a bartender can be nearly impossible if your significant other has the slightest inkling of jealousy or insecurity in their body. My own grandmother eventually had to forbid her husband from entering her bar while she was working because of his uncontrollable jealous rages. Hell, I've had more than a few relationships end over it, my marriage has been significantly strained by it (for those who don't know us, my husband Wes bartends along side me every weekend).  Typically people can't stand to watch their significant other be doted upon by other people.  No matter the reason or lack of mischievous intentions on their partner's part.

 I got lucky in that aspect (not saying that I don't have insecurities). I had my parents to look to and they were rare creatures.  They were a powerhouse combination when it came to the bar. They really were quite successful, not only because they were both intelligent and hard workers but they both oozed charm and charisma.  My mom was beautiful, my dad handsome and they knew how to use it to their advantage.  Most importantly they both knew work was work.  They were there to make money!  So it didn't matter which man my mother was batting her eyelashes at or what lady my father was dancing with, at the end of the night they both knew it didn't mean anything but dollar signs. I'm thankful for gaining that trait from them.


Moral of this story:  Money makes the world go round. It may not be able to buy  love but it will buy  a lot of things that make you happy!  Also, thank you mom and dad for giving me the ability to know the difference between reality and make-believe. In turn allowing me to not care how much the drunk mess at the end of the bar is flirting with my husband (or vice versa)as long as she's tipping him well

Rantings of an insane bartender: Rules to live by Part II

*Disclaimer the opinions expressed in this blog represent only the views of the author and many of the bartending associates I've become acquainted with over the years.  By no means am I claiming that all bartenders share my opinions*

Today I want to discuss a delicate subject that no one likes; getting cut off.

First let me state what seems to be a little known fact; in the state of Arizona it is illegal to be drunk in a bar!  That's right, it is illegal to accomplish the goal that most people set when going to a bar.  Well actually it's phrased "visibly intoxicated".  Arizona's liquor board has a long list of indicators of someone being visibly intoxicated but I'll just name a few of the basics.

• Slurred speech 
• Staggering or stumbling while trying to walk
• Lack of coordination (fumbling with money etc)
• Droopy eyelids (looking drowsy)

So according to the law if you fit any of those four things or any of the others that I didn't list we are supposed to cut you off because you are visibly intoxicated.

In all of my years I have never known any bartender or establishment that has cut off every person who seems drunk/intoxicated.  If we did no one would make any money and all the bars would be closed a lot earlier in the night.  Sometimes you all just don't leave us any other choice.  

No one likes cutting people off.  Generally it's an unpleasant experience to all parties involved. So, we don't cut people off and throw them out for the fun of it (ok maybe once in a while but only if you're a real tool)  If you find yourself getting cut off try with all the might your alcohol soaked brain can muster not to be a total DB about it.  Try to remember that to us your night of jager induced puking is not worth our jobs or the hefty fine we could receive for over serving you.  Think of it as us doing you a favor.  You won't be nearly as hung over the next day and we could possibly be saving you from waking up in the morning and having a coyote ugly moment.

You may find yourself asking,"But, Amanda, how can I avoid being in that situation in the first place?" .  I'm so glad you asked because I'm going to give you some tips, tricks and advice...

• Eat before you go out at least 45 mins before your real night begins eat a decent meal that is kind to your stomach
• Pace yourself (I promise you don't have the stamina you think you do)
• Stick with what you know you can handle (if you know that a shot of whiskey will turn you into a real life reenactment of the exorcist, don't fucking drink it!) 

Those are the simple basics for anyone, anywhere.  For my bar/bartenders more specifically...
 
We will always do our best to save you from yourselves!  I try to enforce the "slow your roll" method this method has a few steps to it..

1.  I'll start force feeding you water between drinks.  If I do this don't argue
2. I'll limit your shots.  If I do this don't argue
3. You will no longer be served shots.  If I do this don't argue
4. I'll limit all hard alcohol. If I do this don't arge
5. You are allowed only beer with a glass of water between each beer.  If I do this don't argue 
6. You're cut off from any alcohol.  If I do this don't argue

If you missed the theme there, the key is to not argue! You know because there is nothing we love more than listening to someone argue about how they are not drunk while they walk into walls and fall off of bar stools...   If you act like a total DB and  argue with me or my staff at any point of this process you'll accomplish nothing but pissing me off and getting yourself thrown out.  If it happens on multiple occasions I'll skip my process all together and just immediately cut you off.                

We work in a bar, not a daycare.  We are not there to babysit you!
Man up take on some self accountability and maintain a happy non visibly intoxicated buzz!

 

Part III will show up eventually <3