We've all seen it, the newly 21 year old who is in the bar for the first time (this person will be known as the virgin.). Their friends on a dedicated mission to get the virgin falling down, rolling in their own vomit, drunk (these friends will be known as missionaries) . It's become a sort of rite of passage into adulthood for some. This is all well and good as long as our virgin is in the hands of at least a one or two pseudo-responsible people (from this point forward, referred to as the babysitter(s)); however, if that is not the case it can become a very miserable and disastrous experience for all parties involved.
Babysitter - ba·by·sit·ter, noun: A person who is charged with caring for, ensuring the safety of, and taking partial responsibility for the actions of another individual. A babysitter must see to it that the person in their care behaves in a somewhat publicly acceptable manner and help to clean any messes that are created by the person they are caring for.
The perfect scenario:
A group of people go into a bar, in this group there is one virgin, two babysitters and a few missionaries. The missionaries immediately start ordering every shot that they can think of including the notorious shot of Barcardi 151™. The babysitters sit with watchful eyes drinking water and cursing themselves for ever agreeing to do this shit in the first place. The virgin progressively gets louder, more clumsy and more obnoxious with every shot. This is where the babysitters pounce! They start walking the virgin around, encouraging them to dance, drink some water or a soda, anything to get the virgin to slow down a bit. Too late the virgin is already hammered. The babysitter now has two choices; con the virgin into going home or follow them around the bar all night picking up lost articles of clothing, apologizing to everyone that the virgin offends with their words or actions and making sure that if the need to puke arises that the puke lands at the very least in the trash can and not on the table or floor.
That is exactly what did not happen in our place this last Saturday night. It went a little more like this...
Four guys walk into our bar, three of these four I would consider virgins. Although only one had just turned 21 the two others had only turned in the last six months and on their faces, the looks of "the deer caught in the headlights" combined with "kid's first trip to Disneyland". Their first round of the night was ordered from me; "We want shots, something that tastes good but won't make us look like pussies." (yes that is a verbatim quote) I laughed to myself and poured them Jolly-rancher shots. Personally I don't care if they look like pussies or not; I don't want them puking on my bar. They take the shots and high-five each other (I literally LOLed at this). They pay me for the shots and walk away (no tip, which didn't bother me at this point, they are virgins after all)
Moments later they return and start grilling me on various bottles and what they taste like, finally they go with the old "Surprise us" this time I poured them pomegranate tequila. Again high-fives all around, payment and no tip.
Rinse and repeat about 6 times.
Now our virgins are starting to not only get obnoxious but they are getting rude, and demanding. Seeing no easy end and being a little too busy I just decided to ignore them. They migrate to the other end of the bar, to Wes. Now Wes is an amazing bartender, he's like lightning behind the bar. Sadly, he's not built up the tolerance to idiots that I have over the years and is a little quicker to ignore people he considers annoying. One of our virgins committed a deadly sin; while ordering some shots of Jack he called Wes a dick. Game over man! Game over! Wes handled the situation a little differently than I would have; I would have probably thrown the shot in the kid's face called him every name in the book and then had him tossed out on his stupid ass. Wes simply pulled the shots off the bar and told the kid to get bent. (keep in mind I wasn't aware of these happenings until long after the fact)
The virgins now wander back down to my side of the bar, a few friends of the virgin pack order shots for themselves and the virgins. Fireball whiskey all around, the friend pays and tips (YAY) This shot was the proverbial nail in the coffin for our virgins. One in particular was being quite rude and loud. Spouting obscenities left and right trying to get my attention. When I finally acknowledged his existence he used the opportunity to attempt to proposition me. When I say proposition I mean, telling me the things he'd like to do to me sexually. I laughed him off and told him I wasn't a pedophile. Another customer (one that we are rather fond of and vice versa) who was sitting next to the virgin starts to order, virgin loudly bangs on the bar and demands immediate service. Good customer smacks virgin in the chest and tells him "Hey motherfucker, you don't talk to my bartender like that!" Virgin attempts to retort but all that comes out is some incoherent half assed insult.
Seeing that this is going no where good, I tell the virgin and the rest of his virgin pack it's time for them to go. I have the bouncer fetch their D.D, and thankfully they are quickly gone with no further incident.
Moral of the story: Virgin or not, if you can't handle your alcohol make sure you have a babysitter who is willing to clean up your messes and keep you from getting your ass beat. Most importantly never ever piss off your bartender!! We can do a lot more than have you thrown out, you are completely at our mercy and we can take revenge in ways you will never see coming or live down.
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