Why are we so afraid to talk about it?

First let me say I really debated even writing about this.  I mean no disrespect and I am in no way making light of a tragic situation.  Everyone expresses grief in their own way and this is my outlet.  If what I say offends you, I'm sorry but it's just how I feel.

Today our small community learned that someone that was pretty well known took her own life.  Family and friends are reeling from the news and everyone is left with unanswered questions and pain that will not be easily healed.

When I first learned what happened, I was stunned and shocked just like everyone but rather than transitioning into sorrow for the loss of this woman I knew, I felt empathy for her son and his loss.  I began running through how he must feel in my head and it broke my heart for him.

From empathy to anger...

I have lost more people than I care to count to suicide.  I've never understood it, I simply can not comprehend what could drive someone to that.  At least not the people I've known because even though they may had been going through a particularly difficult time, their life still wasn't that bad and they would have come through it had they just stuck it out.  I can't fathom how someone could do that to their families.  Did they not even consider what they were doing to anyone else by taking their own life.  Extinguishing their light from the lives of all those who loved them.  It's selfish and terrible!

This is doubly applicable when there are children involved.  The woman we lost today was a mother; she had an amazing son that I know she loved wholeheartedly.  She often spoke of and bragged about him.  He had been her world.  So what changed that?  How could she turn her back on him this way?  Leave him in this terribly ugly world without his mother to depend on?  I don't even want to think about what that poor boy is going through.  I'm an adult and the thought of losing either of my parents automatically brings tears to my eyes and pains in my chest.

When you decide to become a parent, you lose all rights of being selfish, your life is not your life, it is your child's life.  You brought this precious soul into the world promising to cherish, protect and love them; to help them grow.  How dare you be so self centered!  I don't care what pain you are feeling did you not once consider what you were doing to your child? 


Alas, I didn't write this with the intentions of slamming anyone I'm just angry.

I also have another question running through my mind, why does everyone feel so taboo when it comes to suicide?  What I mean is, I have seen countless RIP posts on Facebook today and anytime someone would ask what happened... *crickets*   If she had been hit by a car everyone would have answered without delay; so why not the same for this?  It's not bad mouthing her or disrespectful to her family.  It's just honesty on the situation.  It's not pleasant but death rarely is no matter the form it comes in.  Don't be afraid to speak the truth.

Moral of the story:  I'm not sure there is one really.  What has happened is tragic, unnecessary, selfish and stupid.  I'm angry and hurt for that little boy that will never again see his mother's beautiful face.  Things of this nature bring about many emotions for many people, don't be ashamed of yours, I'm not.

The legal drinking age ..

The legal minimum drinking age used to vary state to state until nineteen years ago when Congress passed the National Minimum Drinking Age Act of 1984 (Title 23 U.S.C. §158).  This law essentially told the individual states that if they wanted to continue receiving federal funding for roads and transportation they would raise their legal age to 21.  Initially there were some states that resisted but by 1988 all had complied. 

There were numerous reason this measure was pushed but the most prominent were the amount of late night traffic accidents involving alcohol.  Supposedly upon reaching the age of 21 people were more mature and were less likely to drive drunk.  Over the years there have been a myriad of studies published, and national groups formed all in support of this action. Whether or not it has actually help curb accidents or alcohol related crimes, I highly doubt.

The law also has its oppositions, the most reasonable argument being our armed forces.  If someone is old enough to enlist in our military, kill and possibly die in the defense of our country they should be able to legally drink any where in the country.  I completely agree with this sentiment.  I don't agree that you can label maturity with a numerological age.  As I have said a million times, my 17 year old son is far more mature than a good amount of my customer base.  Let's be honest, once alcohol is involved you should just cut people's general IQ in half.

After the absolutely ridiculous night we had at work tonight I've come up with a better idea than setting the age minimum to 21.

First, let me take a minute to thank the socially inept mental midgets that caused the large fight tonight and in turn gave me the inspiration for this post.  An extra special thank you to the girl who attempted to hit me, it was my pleasure to introduce your face to the wall.  I hope you will be life long friends.

Anyway, I think you should have to have a license to drink, sort of a like driver's license. First you get a permit, this permit allows you to go into bars and buy alcohol with the supervision of a licensed person.  The purpose for this being hands on practice for the testing.  It would be required that you be a permit holder for a minimum of 6 months before being allowed to test for your license and if you have any indiscretions in that time frame  your permit is revoked and you are automatically disqualified from reapplying for a year.

Once the minimum permit time has been met there would be a series of tests that you must submit to in various stages of intoxication.  These tests would include things such as, IQ, general disposition, problem solving and how you respond to different forms of emotional/physical stimulation.  If you fail any of the above you would be reissued a permit and would repeat the original process.

Upon passing the tests you would receive your license which would be based on a point system just like a drivers license.  Point values would be assigned to a list of incidents such as acts of violence or driving while intoxicated.  If or when you are involved in an incidents points would be removed from your total point pool. If your point pool reaches zero your license would be revoked for the minimum of a year (possibly more depending on the severity of your actions), you would lose the ability to purchase alcohol during that time and you would be required to attend alcohol responsibility classes.

Obviously there would be a lot more involved than what I've listed here but I just wanted to paint the picture.  I think I should run for office....

Moral of the story: Age does not dictate maturity levels and not everyone should be allowed to drink upon reaching the age of 21.  Certain people should never be allowed to. Maybe I should turn my place into a private club and just make this a membership rule.  Anything to keep these fucktards out of my bar!

Real friends, real honesty, and you look really stupid

Anyone that knows me knows that I am not the type of person to sugarcoat things, I call things as I see them.  If you ask me for my opinion or for advice I will tell you exactly what I think irrespective of your feelings. Don't get me wrong, I do have tact, I don't blatantly set out to hurt peoples feelings but I don't go out of my way to soften any proverbial blows.  

The above is especially true when it comes to my friends.  To me a true friend will always tell you the truth.  I'm not talking about the little white lies we tell such as making up an excuse to get out of dinner plans when you're just feeling too lazy to go; I'm talking about the saving face, lip service lies.

If one of my friends is behaving like a jackass in public, I'll be the first to smack them in the face and tell them.  Relationship disputes, I won't side with my friend just because they are my friend, if they are the ones causing the dispute guess what, I tell them.  If my best friend was wearing something that looked terrible on her, I'd tell her.  In my opinion a friend is someone you know you can trust, someone you know will be honest with you even when honesty is painful.  As the old saying goes, the truth hurts.  Maybe that's why I don't have many friends.

Personally I'd much rather have someone tell me "Amanda you look like a cow stuffed into a potato sack in that dress" than them not say anything and me go into public looking like a cow in a potato sack.

Unfortunately, that is not how most of the world operates.  Our population is full of a bunch of ass kissing, coddling, whiny babies.  People who do nothing but tell you what they think you want to hear or what will make you feel better for the time being.  God forbid we are honest and hurt someone's feelings!  
    
It's something we all see on a daily basis, I, especially so in the bar.  I'll see these girls walk in with their friends and think "They must want her to look like shit and embarrass herself."  I also wonder "How the fuck did you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn I look good." are you blind or stupid?" Maybe they don't have mirrors I don't know!  

I'd like to offer a little advice to these poor,blind,stupid cows in potato sacks.....

• If you weigh 200 pounds, don't try to dress like you weigh 120 pounds.  Fat rolls are ugly, no one wants to see that shit (with the exception of people who have fat fetishes but we won't go there now) I'm not saying you can't be big and dress to impress but for fuck's sake dress your size!

• Make up is to enhance beauty and to help hide minor flaws, if your face looks like you got ganged banged by a package of magic markers, you're doing it wrong.  During the day your make up should be as light and natural as possible; for night time activities apply it slightly darker and more dramatically but not to the point where you look like you could be purchased on the corner for $20.  If your eyelashes look like a Venus flytrap comb those fucking things! If you are a circus clown or a hooker on Halloween then please ignore all of my above advice.

• High heels... High heels can be very sexy but only if you can walk in them!!!!  If wearing heels makes your legs resemble flesh colored jello in pantyhose, don't wear them.  Not only do you look like you're playing dress up in mommy's closet but it's potentially hazardous to your health.  The higher the heel the harder the fall!   

• Last but not least.  There is a difference between dressing/being sexy and  "Hi! I'm a 7-11".  This one is a little harder to address because it really can vary for everyone.  Something that looks sexy on one may make another look like the street's red light special discount deal.  Just remember showing skin is fine but leave a little something to our imagination!  Mystery is sexy!  Above all showing intelligence and self confidence is the ultimate turn on for men or women.  So show those traits a little more than your flesh. Unless you suffer from any of the three issues listed above, because if you do you have no intelligence or self confidence to begin with and everyone will know you're just a fake bitch.

 Moral of the story: If you call yourself a friend, be one.  Honesty is a bitter pill but coming from a friend it has a sweet coating that makes it easier to swallow.  Also, if your friend loves you enough to be honest with you, appreciate it don't get your feelings hurt and be a pouty asshole!

 

You're not an adult, but you could play one in the bar.

Let's talk about fighting.... More specifically bar fighting, and to narrow it even further, fighting in my bar.


I'm not a violent person and I have never seen the point of fighting.  Short of someone hurting my son there isn't anything I can think of that I would get in a fight over, and honestly if someone hurt my kid it would probably be murder rather than a fight.  I once had someone ask me if I'd get in a fight over my husband, the answer is no. Wes is a big boy he can take care of himself, if some chick is hitting on him, it's on him to tell her to get bent.

I see it like this, I'm an adult and have to face adult consequences; there is nothing anyone can say or do (excluding hurting my son) to me that could ever be worth the amount of trouble that comes along with getting into a fight.

I've heard some seriously lame ass excuses for fighting, examples:

• They called me a/an *insert vulgar name here*
• They slept with my significant other
• He/She cheated on my sibling/parent/cousin/friend/dog

 My responses to each:

• Who the hell cares what they said?  How old are we again?  Oh did it hurt your poor little feelings?  Should I get you a blankie and bottle?   This isn't grade school, get over it!
• If your significant other cheated on you, then the problem is with them; they are the ones that betrayed and hurt you.  How is fighting the person they cheated with going to make it any better?  What's done is done. Deal with your relationship issues!
• It's none of your damned business!  Assuming all parties involved are "adults", let the people involved handle their business.  Fighting to defends someone's honor just makes you a special kind of stupid, fighting in someone's honor because they asked you to makes you both look like mental midgets. 

When it comes to bar fights women truly are the root of all evil.  In my honest opinion 99% of bar fights are over some dumbass drama queen.  There are an endless amount of examples/scenarios that I could use to prove my point, so I'll just use our fight from last night.... Names will be omitted to protect the ignorant. Parties involved: "Drama queen", "Drama queen's brother", and "the other guy".
(I'm assuming that Drama queen and the other guy were some how romantically involved in the past but I'm not sure on what level exactly)  I'll condense this the best I can...

For my reader's sake let me give you a little history on the parties involved: 

The other guy:  Laid back guy, comes in has a good time, shoots pool has never been in trouble in my place.

Drama queen's brother:  Has a past used to be a serious pain in the ass but has really made an effort to get his shit together and has become someone we really enjoy having in.

Drama queen:  She's exactly what her given title says.  Has always been a rude pain in the ass who appears to enjoy stirring the pot.  In my personal opinion she's a whiny bitch. (The type of chick who would wear a bikini at the beach and then get pissed when a guy whistled at her; you know, an attention whore!!)

Last night was a decent night, not super busy, but busy enough to keep us busy.  Drama queen and Drama queen's brother had already been in for an hour or two.  In walks the other guy.  He orders a beer walks over, stands against the wall talking with his group of friends.  Please note that the other guy not once left my line of sight the entire time leading up to the fight.  Next thing I know, Drama queen's brother is attacking the other guy. Fortunately it was by the front door so as attempts to break it up are made the fight is moving outside.  Ok so it's moving out the front door, punches being thrown between Drama queen's brother and the other guy but now Drama queen is also punching the other guy in the back of the head.  Once it got out the front door everyone was separated, the cops were already there and quickly started snagging people up.

Now we get to hear the excuse for our little fiasco.  Drama queen had been a busy little bee, running to her brother to claim that the other guy hit her, making sure to say it loudly enough that numerous bystanders over heard...  If you recall my comment earlier, the other guy had not left my sight, I knew for a goddamn fact he hadn't just hit her.  A fact that I immediately relayed to the cops. The whole time the cops are questioning brother and the other guy, Drama queen is running her mouth (quiet loudly at that) saying "Hit a woman and see what happens". As the questioning progresses the truth is starting to come out.  One officer begins questioning Drama queen, who is now changing her tune a bit and says "He slapped me a year ago."   (apparently that is true, the other guy admitted that.) Fundamentally men shouldn't hit women but in my opinion, if a woman is beating the crap out of a guy and trying to fight like a guy, well..... Plus something tells me she probably really deserved it.


Now start the apologies, Drama queen's brother was the first, "I'm so sorry Amanda"  me, "No you aren't.  You're an idiot and I can't believe you pulled that shit, the last thing you need is more legal trouble.  Wtf were you thinking?"  him: "But I was.."  I cut him off at this point "I don't care why you did it, it was stupid and I don't want to talk about it anymore.  I'm going back to work now."
 Drama queen chimes in "I want to apologize too and tell you why..."  cut her off " I don't care, I don't want to hear it, I'm going back to work now."  As I was walking away to go back inside I could still hear her screaming that she was sorry.  I still don't care, she isn't sorry about the troubles she caused me she's sorry that she got in trouble.  
 All three got cited for disorderly conduct and Drama queen in 86'ed (which is kind of a silver lining I suppose) .Now here it is my day off and I'm obligated to go scan through surveillance footage, copy it and give it to the Sheriff's department.

So there we have it, I'm left with a huge mess to clean up,a loss of profit and my day off interrupted due to some attention whore drama queen who got slapped a god damn year ago.  Yet, people still don't understand why I get so pissed over fights in my bar?!

I am seriously considering investing in shock collars and helmets with drool catching chin straps for these people.

Moral of the story:  Fighting is stupid, fighting in a bar even more so.  21 is the legal drinking age because that is allegedly the age at which people are mature enough to behave themselves *coughbullshitcough*.  Seriously my 17 year old son is more mature than a lot of our customers.  According to the law you are adults time to start acting like it or keep your dumbasses at home!

 







 

A little perspective. F▲©% you and your FML

Warning:I'm writing this as the thoughts pop into my head, so it could be a jumbled mess by the time I'm through.

Sitting here rather moody and contemplative this morning, my mind reeling over this past week's events, globally and on a more personal levels; I'm feeling completely lost, and crushed.  I've lost all hope for our species, I've no faith in humanity and honestly believe that although there are good people out there trying to do good things they will never conquer all those trying to tear the world down.  I'm trying my damndest to put things in perspective (regarding my personal issues) and snap myself out of this woe is me self pity party I seem to be having. 

Here is my thought process:  All in all I have it pretty good.  There are many things in life that I am grateful for. I'm a total selfish bitch for feeling sorry for myself because no matter how I feel about my life at the moment there are so many people who have it so much worse! People who live out everyday in terror and misery all due to circumstances beyond their control.  Comparatively I should be shouting from the roof tops about how good I've got it.

All that got me to thinking about one of my biggest pet peeves... "FML" (for those that aren't familiar with this acronym it means "fuck my life")  I detest this phrase and every time I hear someone say it I have the strong urge to punch them in their face. Examples of how people that I know have used it recently:

• "FML got my hair done and they did it wrong"
• "FML just got my car out of the shop and got a flat tire"
• "FML they baby woke up 30 mins earlier than I had to get up this morning"
• "FML I have to wait another month before I can get the new Iphone."
• "FML it's snowing again! I don't want to go to work."

But allow me to retort: Fuck you, you selfentitled cry babies! 

• You have hair and can afford to get it done.
• You have a car and the money to get it fixed 
• Both you and your child woke up this morning
• If this is your biggest disappointment so far in life, you're fucked end yourself now because you will never survive reality.
• You have a job to go to

 Have we really become so petty?  How in the world are you going to whine and cry over your hair or a flat tire when there are people in the world whose lives are inundated with horrific violence, loss of loved ones, famine and disease?   Pull your head out of the sand for a minute and take a look at the world around you.  I'm not saying that the things happening to you aren't a pain or a even a major inconvenience  but in the grand scheme of things they mean nothing!  Put it in perspective and try to remember how lucky you really are.


Moral of the story: I'm still sad, and feeling lost but am well aware of how fortunate I am. 
For all of  the selfentitled bitches who use "FML" next time you feel like saying it, slap yourself in the face and just leave it as "Fuck, this sucks." and move on.

Take your religious hypocrisy and shove it up your....

In advance, forgive me.  I'm beyond annoyed at the moment and what better way to release than to rage in my blog.

I was actually enjoying my Thursday morning.  Went for a run, had started a new blog post (which I've now put on the back burner for this little gem), and was just sitting on my ass waiting for a beer delivery.

I decide to briefly browse Facebook when I saw a post from a friend asking for prayers because his father is in the hospital due to a heart attack.  I feel for my friend, I'm an empathetic individual (and a daddy's girl) so my heart breaks for the pain and fear he must be feeling right now.  What I am not, is religious.  I don't believe in God, the bible, or the church; therefore, I don't pray! 

I wrote a brief response to my friend full of my well wishes and hopes that his father have a speedy recovery.  I ended my response with "You and your family are in my heart and thoughts."; a response which I felt adequately expressed my concern.  My friend "liked" my response and then replied with his thanks.

A few posts later... Enter the rude bitch:  "I'm so sorry for what's happening to your dad.  You are all in my prayers!  I'll make sure to pray extra hard for him!  I will also be praying that God is kind enough to forgive the people who are too good to pray for him. Is it so hard for you people to say a prayer for this man?  I hope you repent before the judgement." 

*Face palm*  Now if I was so childish as to start a theological battle on my friends post (which I'm not) my response would be this:

Dear Rude Childish Bitch,
I'm not too good to pray, I don't offer to pray for the man because I don't pray.  I never claimed to be too good for anything; I will now though.  What I am too good for is people like you!  People who are Christians of convenience.  You scan through the bible (If you've even read it.  Have you?  I have!) and pick and choose what to believe and what "rules" to follow.  You throw your nose up in the air at anyone who doesn't share your beliefs and consider them lowly lesser creatures.  
Newsflash!  I don't have to believe in a god to be a better person than you apparently are.  With few exceptions (murderers,rapist, etc) I treat people with respect.  I don't judge them for their beliefs or how they choose to live their lives (it's obvious that you aren't aware that the bible states you shouldn't be doing that either).  I have been judged and looked down upon nearly my entire life for various "religious" reasons, and my response is this.  I'd rather be considered a godless heathen than to treat people poorly just because they are different from me.  I don't have to be religious to be moral and I offer you this advice; if you are going to claim to live by the word of "God" you better go pick up the bible and read because you have a lot of changes to make.  I do take comfort in knowing that if there is a hell, you'll be there too.


Moral of the story:  I will always be as respectful as I can be to anyone's faith, all I ask in return is that you respect my right not to believe.  If you are happy with your religion, that's great and I'm happy for you, I'm happy being an overall good person with no religion and let's just leave it at that.

   

Just turned 21: A bar virgin's tale

We've all seen it, the newly 21 year old who is in the bar for the first time (this person will be known as the virgin.).  Their friends on a dedicated mission to get the virgin falling down, rolling in their own vomit, drunk (these friends will be known as missionaries) .  It's become a sort of rite of passage into adulthood for some.  This is all well and good as long as our virgin is in the hands of at least a one or two pseudo-responsible people (from this point forward, referred to as the babysitter(s)); however, if that is not the case it can become a very miserable and disastrous experience for all parties involved.

Babysitter - ba·by·sit·ter, noun: A person who is charged with caring for, ensuring the safety of, and taking partial responsibility for the actions of another individual.  A babysitter must see to it that the person in their care behaves in a somewhat publicly acceptable manner and help to clean any messes that are created by the person they are caring for.

The perfect scenario:

 A group of people go into a bar, in this group there is one virgin, two babysitters and a few missionaries.   The missionaries immediately start ordering every shot that they can think of including the notorious shot of Barcardi 151™.  The babysitters sit with watchful eyes drinking water and cursing themselves for ever agreeing to do this shit in the first place.  The virgin progressively gets louder, more clumsy and more obnoxious with every shot.  This is where the babysitters pounce!  They start walking the virgin around, encouraging them to dance, drink some water or a soda, anything to get the virgin to slow down a bit.  Too late the virgin is already hammered.  The babysitter now has two choices; con the virgin into going home or follow them around the bar all night picking up lost articles of clothing, apologizing to everyone that the virgin offends with their words or actions and making sure that if the need to puke arises that the puke lands at the very least in the trash can and not on the table or floor.


That is exactly what did not happen in our place this last Saturday night.  It went a little more like this...

Four guys walk into our bar, three of these four I would consider virgins. Although only one had just turned 21 the two others had only turned in the last six months and on their faces, the looks of "the deer caught in the headlights" combined with "kid's first trip to Disneyland".  Their first round of the night was ordered from me; "We want shots, something that tastes good but won't make us look like pussies." (yes that is a verbatim quote) I laughed to myself and poured them Jolly-rancher shots. Personally I don't care if they look like pussies or not; I don't want them puking on my bar.  They take the shots and high-five each other (I literally LOLed at this). They pay me for the shots and walk away (no tip, which didn't bother me at this point, they are virgins after all)  

 Moments later they return and start grilling me on various bottles and what they taste like, finally they go with the old "Surprise us"  this time I poured them pomegranate tequila.  Again high-fives all around, payment and no tip. 

Rinse and repeat about 6 times.

 Now our virgins are starting to not only get obnoxious but they are getting rude, and demanding.  Seeing no easy end and being a little too busy I just decided to ignore them.    They migrate to the other end of the bar, to Wes.  Now Wes is an amazing bartender, he's like lightning behind the bar. Sadly, he's not built up the tolerance to idiots that I have over the years and is a little quicker to ignore people he considers annoying.  One of our virgins committed a deadly sin; while ordering some shots of Jack he called Wes a dick.  Game over man!  Game over!  Wes handled the situation a little differently than I would have;  I would have probably thrown the shot in the kid's face called him every name in the book and then had him tossed out on his stupid ass.  Wes simply pulled the shots off the bar and told the kid to get bent.  (keep in mind I wasn't aware of these happenings until long after the fact)

The virgins now wander back down to my side of the bar, a few friends of the virgin pack order shots for themselves and the virgins.  Fireball whiskey all around, the friend pays and tips (YAY)   This shot was the proverbial nail in the coffin for our virgins. One in particular was being quite rude and loud.  Spouting obscenities left and right trying to get my attention.  When I finally acknowledged his existence he used the opportunity to attempt to proposition me.  When I say proposition I mean, telling me the things he'd like to do to me sexually. I laughed him off and told him I wasn't a pedophile.  Another customer (one that we are rather fond of and vice versa) who was sitting next to the virgin starts to order, virgin loudly bangs on the bar and demands immediate service.  Good customer smacks virgin in the chest and tells him "Hey motherfucker, you don't talk to my bartender like that!" Virgin attempts to retort but all that comes out is some incoherent half assed insult. 

Seeing that this is going no where good, I tell the virgin and the rest of his virgin pack it's time for them to go.  I have the bouncer fetch their D.D, and thankfully they are quickly gone with no further incident. 

Moral of the story:  Virgin or not, if you can't handle your alcohol make sure you have a babysitter who is willing to clean up your messes and keep you from getting your ass beat.  Most importantly never ever piss off your bartender!!  We can do a lot more than have you thrown out, you are completely at our mercy and we can take revenge in ways you will never see coming or live down.  

 

Please check your fantasies and suspicions at the door.

Oh it's going to be a long but (hopefully) insightful and entertaining one!

~ Check your fantasies at the door!!~
This portion of the post is just for you guys!  Aww aren't you special (helmet!)
Most bars/clubs especially night clubs in large cities hire only the hottest of the hot girls to sling drinks.  They do this for a reason, it keeps your attention and keeps you coming back for more. Who doesn't want to be surrounded by eye candy as their drinking?  Just to make sure you're clear on this point, I'll break it down to it's most simple form.  The establishments hire these women because they want you to come in and spend more money, the girls work there because it's a decent job with decent hours and they want your money.   Please keep that in the back of your mind as I continue...


So a guy walks into a bar/club orders a drink  and starts eyeballing the hot bartender. He decides he's going to take a crack at her...  We will assume that this guy isn't dumb enough to use some lame ass pick up line that we've all heard before and that he has the sense enough to know that his so called "swag" and  the "game" he throws means absolutely jack shit to the bartender unless he's handing her twenty dollars every few minutes that he's talking.  He starts with basic idle chit chat, current events, sports, the weather, what the fuck ever... That is fine, we work in a social environment and if we aren't busy most of us love to chat.  The night continues, he continues drinking.  Drink by drink he becomes more handsome, charming, witty, over all irresistible and the bartender is dying to be ravished by him . * ONLY IN HIS OWN MIND  * In reality he's becoming incoherent, tedious, sloppy, over all annoying and the bartender is dying to cut him off and throw him out.

Men take a hint, get a clue!  We are getting paid to be nice to you! Our employer not only pays us for our ability to make and serve drinks, they pay us to be cute and nice so you'll come in and spend money.  We tolerate even more of your bullshit lines and ass grabbing if you're a good tipper. Money talks bullshit walks. We serve drinks and get hit on for a living!  If you're honestly interested in a female bartender and want to be taken seriously, don't get drunk and still tip like a champ.  After multiple nights of this then ask her out and maybe then you'll stand a chance. 
I'm not saying it's impossible for the hook up to happen because just like men, sometimes we just want to get laid too. However, more often than not, it's the money coming out of your wallet, not the words coming out of your mouth that makes us smile.

Moral of the story: Guys if you want an easy lay, strap on your beer goggles and go find the lonely drunk tramp in the corner.
~ Also I don't mean to be biased, but since I'm a female bartender I'm writing from my perspective.  I'm well aware that this applies to both sides of the gender coin. 
 ~Special shout out to the women this applies to. Since the male bartender works in a place where he is constantly surrounded by hot women, do you honestly think flopping your saggy boobs up on the bar is all that impressive? Go be the lonely drunk tramp in the corner.

~Check your suspicions at the door~
This part of the post was actually inspired by another blog that I frequent:
 Tales from a bar ~ Significant bother
I highly recommend reading all of his posts, the man is a genius.  In his post he covered the proverbial kid in the candy store lifestyle that most bartenders are capable of leading.  Seriously as a bartender you never have to spend a night alone. It's a great life full of ego boosts, shameless flirting  and every variety of "candy" you could possibly want. 
That is not what this post is about, this post is about the dark side of the life. 

One of the biggest problems is jealousy. Oh yes the green eyed devil rears his ugly head all over the place in a bar and certainly doesn't limit himself to the drunken patrons.

I was raised in the bar life, so I've seen more than my fair share of failed relationships due to drunken indiscretions but I've seen just as many fail due to jealous suspicions.  Trying to maintain a healthy relationship as a bartender can be nearly impossible if your significant other has the slightest inkling of jealousy or insecurity in their body. My own grandmother eventually had to forbid her husband from entering her bar while she was working because of his uncontrollable jealous rages. Hell, I've had more than a few relationships end over it, my marriage has been significantly strained by it (for those who don't know us, my husband Wes bartends along side me every weekend).  Typically people can't stand to watch their significant other be doted upon by other people.  No matter the reason or lack of mischievous intentions on their partner's part.

 I got lucky in that aspect (not saying that I don't have insecurities). I had my parents to look to and they were rare creatures.  They were a powerhouse combination when it came to the bar. They really were quite successful, not only because they were both intelligent and hard workers but they both oozed charm and charisma.  My mom was beautiful, my dad handsome and they knew how to use it to their advantage.  Most importantly they both knew work was work.  They were there to make money!  So it didn't matter which man my mother was batting her eyelashes at or what lady my father was dancing with, at the end of the night they both knew it didn't mean anything but dollar signs. I'm thankful for gaining that trait from them.


Moral of this story:  Money makes the world go round. It may not be able to buy  love but it will buy  a lot of things that make you happy!  Also, thank you mom and dad for giving me the ability to know the difference between reality and make-believe. In turn allowing me to not care how much the drunk mess at the end of the bar is flirting with my husband (or vice versa)as long as she's tipping him well

Rantings of an insane bartender: Rules to live by Part II

*Disclaimer the opinions expressed in this blog represent only the views of the author and many of the bartending associates I've become acquainted with over the years.  By no means am I claiming that all bartenders share my opinions*

Today I want to discuss a delicate subject that no one likes; getting cut off.

First let me state what seems to be a little known fact; in the state of Arizona it is illegal to be drunk in a bar!  That's right, it is illegal to accomplish the goal that most people set when going to a bar.  Well actually it's phrased "visibly intoxicated".  Arizona's liquor board has a long list of indicators of someone being visibly intoxicated but I'll just name a few of the basics.

• Slurred speech 
• Staggering or stumbling while trying to walk
• Lack of coordination (fumbling with money etc)
• Droopy eyelids (looking drowsy)

So according to the law if you fit any of those four things or any of the others that I didn't list we are supposed to cut you off because you are visibly intoxicated.

In all of my years I have never known any bartender or establishment that has cut off every person who seems drunk/intoxicated.  If we did no one would make any money and all the bars would be closed a lot earlier in the night.  Sometimes you all just don't leave us any other choice.  

No one likes cutting people off.  Generally it's an unpleasant experience to all parties involved. So, we don't cut people off and throw them out for the fun of it (ok maybe once in a while but only if you're a real tool)  If you find yourself getting cut off try with all the might your alcohol soaked brain can muster not to be a total DB about it.  Try to remember that to us your night of jager induced puking is not worth our jobs or the hefty fine we could receive for over serving you.  Think of it as us doing you a favor.  You won't be nearly as hung over the next day and we could possibly be saving you from waking up in the morning and having a coyote ugly moment.

You may find yourself asking,"But, Amanda, how can I avoid being in that situation in the first place?" .  I'm so glad you asked because I'm going to give you some tips, tricks and advice...

• Eat before you go out at least 45 mins before your real night begins eat a decent meal that is kind to your stomach
• Pace yourself (I promise you don't have the stamina you think you do)
• Stick with what you know you can handle (if you know that a shot of whiskey will turn you into a real life reenactment of the exorcist, don't fucking drink it!) 

Those are the simple basics for anyone, anywhere.  For my bar/bartenders more specifically...
 
We will always do our best to save you from yourselves!  I try to enforce the "slow your roll" method this method has a few steps to it..

1.  I'll start force feeding you water between drinks.  If I do this don't argue
2. I'll limit your shots.  If I do this don't argue
3. You will no longer be served shots.  If I do this don't argue
4. I'll limit all hard alcohol. If I do this don't arge
5. You are allowed only beer with a glass of water between each beer.  If I do this don't argue 
6. You're cut off from any alcohol.  If I do this don't argue

If you missed the theme there, the key is to not argue! You know because there is nothing we love more than listening to someone argue about how they are not drunk while they walk into walls and fall off of bar stools...   If you act like a total DB and  argue with me or my staff at any point of this process you'll accomplish nothing but pissing me off and getting yourself thrown out.  If it happens on multiple occasions I'll skip my process all together and just immediately cut you off.                

We work in a bar, not a daycare.  We are not there to babysit you!
Man up take on some self accountability and maintain a happy non visibly intoxicated buzz!

 

Part III will show up eventually <3

Rantings of an insane bartender: Rules to live by Part I

In the spirit of the blog's address I've decided that it's time that I actually write about something having to do with being a bartender.  This past weekend was busy but there wasn't any one particular event that stood out deserving a rant.  So I've decided to lay out some rules that you (a customer) should follow and cover a few basic behaviors that will drive any bartender batty or at the very least assure that you get the crappiest service possible.
*Disclaimer the opinions expressed in this blog represent only the views of the author and many of the bartending associates I've become acquainted with over the years.  By no means am I claiming that all bartenders share my opinions*

There is not a bartender on this planet that doesn't love to play, make up new drinks and expand our customers pallets. Our hearts go into our drinks especially our own creations and we take pride in what we do, mix that with the fact that it's like being an evil genius chemist without the years of college and it's a pretty sweet gig.   We will gladly take the time to discuss with you the tastes of various spirits and the myriad of combinations that they can be used in; give you our opinions on what we like and make recommendations on what we think you may enjoy based on any input you give us. However, there is a time and a place for everything!  If it's a busy Saturday night and you have to fight past walls of people just to get a glimpse at the bar, take a hint, this is not the appropriate time for us to have to play 50 questions with you just for you to end up settling and saying "Just give me a Bud light".  It's not that we are trying to be rude, hurt your feelings or make you feel any less special than mommy told you that you were; it's just that we have 100 other customers with money in hand and know exactly what it is they want.  Time is money people!  If you are that much of a novice or uncertain in the realm of alcohol, go out earlier in the night before the bar is slammed or on a night that is quieter and pick the bartender's brain then.  If you come in when we are bored we'll be more than happy to educate you and hey everyone wins.

Leading me to my next major point; on a busy night, be ready when we get to you! Nobody likes to be made to wait but we are only human; so, until we are replaced with robots waiting is an unfortunate side effect.  Keeping in mind how much you hate to wait please be considerate of the people getting served after you.  When you come up to the bar know what you want, how much of it you want and how you are going to pay for it.  Personally, if I come up to you and you aren't able to spit out a coherent order in a reasonable time, I'll move on and you'll be stuck waiting again.

• Hot tip for faster service on a busy night!  Rather than slamming your hand on the bar, whistling, yelling "Hey" or our names (all of which we HATE) try yelling out what it is you want, we will hear you and get it to you as quickly as humanly possible. We can multitask, I know it's crazy right (by the way when I say we, I mean myself and my bartenders I realize not all are capable)?!? 

My next and last point for this particular post is a little less refined but also very useful information.
Don't be a douche bag!!  It's amazing what a little patience and money will get you.  We are all human, we have bad days, make mistakes and have our "blonde" moments.  Don't get pissy if we screw up your drink one time.  If you aren't a douche bag  about it we will gladly fix our mistake and over compensate you for it.
Tipping is not a city in China! Yes we are being paid to be there but please keep in mind that servers and bartenders don't even make minimum wage, the majority of our income is tipped based.  So don't be surprised if the person who always tips (even small amounts) gets served before the person that rarely tips.  We've got bills to pay too!  We don't sell our souls to raging assholes for the love of the smell of stale booze we do it for the money!  Don't misunderstand me, everyone runs into hard times and we get that but for christ's sake if letting your server keep at least the fifty cents change breaks the bank for you, you shouldn't be at the bar in the first place.

and now I'll leave you with my favorite perfect example video that everyone should watch and learn from: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgWOWp7gHlw









Please stay tuned for Part II <3

The right to not reproduce.....

No worries I'm not about to go on some feminist tangent; but due to various articles in the recent news, my blood is boiling and if I don't talk about this I just may explode.

  Birth Control and emergency contraceptives:

This battle has been raging for years and the "Anti's" have arguments coming from a number of directions.  I will do my best to stick to some basic argument points I've seen and my retorts.

• Birth control goes against God's plan/will 

1. Fine if that's what you believe don't use it; no one is standing in your bathroom every morning forcing a pill down your throat!  However, you have absolutely no right to force your beliefs on someone else or to tell them that they can't or shouldn't use it (and since "God" is omnipotent if it were truly "God's will" would a little pill or condom really prevent someone from becoming pregnant?).  This is especially true for the doctors and pharmacists that want the right to refuse due to moral or religious conflicts.  Unless you are a faith healer, your religious beliefs have no place in medicine.
2.  The world already suffers from poverty,famine,disease, and every other side effect of over population. How could anyone in their right mind (The church, the Pope, etc) tell someone not to practice safe sex or to not use birth control?   Not only are most families struggling to put a mere meal on the table but the planet can't sustain the those we have, why in the hell should we continue to carelessly increase our numbers?

• Ease of access for teenagers increases sexual activity and promotes irresponsibility:

This point is so ludicrous that I have a hard time doing anything but laughing.  No parent wants their teenager to be sexual active, but it's better to educate and prepare them than to turn a blind eye!    Would you rather your teen come to you and say "Mom/Dad I'm thinking about having sex and I would like to be safe about it." or come to you and say "Mom/Dad we had sex and now we are pregnant."?   I know some people will reply to that question with " Neither, I've told them that sex is forbidden and that they can't do it; abstinence until marriage."  Yeah, because that's been working really well so far right?  (For the oblivious, that was heavily laced with sarcasm)    Wake up people, it doesn't matter what YOU want; if your kid really wants to have sex, they will.  It won't matter what you've preached,screamed or taught.  Arm them with the knowledge and tools to be safe and responsible!  By all means take all the steps to prevent it but don't be naive enough to think that it will never happen just because it shouldn't.

• I don't want my $$ to go to someone's use of it:

This is most applicable to tax/federal funding towards certain medical providers and government funded health insurance.

1. The over population response is valid here; tax dollars are still going to be spent in these areas, would you rather a small amount go to pay for some pills or increase tax amounts to cover the growing expense of unplanned pregnancies producing children that the parents can't afford to feed?   It doesn't take a mathematician to figure out which is more logical.
2. I don't think my tax dollars should be spent on medications for people who have medical issues due to obesity.  Why should I pay for their medicine because they won't put down the burger and fries and get off of their lazy asses and exercise a little bit?  ( Before I create a world of cry babies I realize there are medical conditions/diseases that cause obesity and/or prevent people from exercise, I'm not referring to people suffering from said conditions.  I'm talking about people who are capable and just won't.)  The same argument could be used in every situation so it either has to be all or nothing here people.

The moral of the story:  Everyone has the "right" to reproduce (even though they shouldn't), for the most part by any means they see fit.  Everyone should have the equal "right" to not reproduce.

Today on Sanity has left the building: Hellspawn children and the inept parents that create them.

I've said it a million times "I hate kids"!  Now don't misunderstand, I'm a mom, I have a soft spot for babies but once they've grown past the "little bundle of joys" stage,  in most cases I just don't want them anywhere in my general vicinity.  I have no patience for the whining,crying,yelling, or ear shattering banshee like temper tantrums.

Yesterday I was at the bank and was subjected to someone's pair of hellspawn, (this experience being the ultimate inspiration for this post). As I always do, I quickly retreated into the depths of my mind in a desperate effort to escape the painful surroundings.  While there I had a  an epiphany; though I do indeed absolutely loathe the little demons, it's their parents that I truly hate.

The Scenario
I'm standing in line waiting for my turn and I hear a few rapid loud bangs.  I look to find the source of the sound and just outside of the glass doors I see two boys (I'm guessing ages 5-7) and their mother.  Mom, is standing in line at the ATM talking on her cell phone completely ignoring the fact that her hellspawn are standing in the graveled area throwing rocks at the windows of the bank.  Almost immediately I was ready to jump out of my place in line and go scream at all three of them but it was a long line so I refrained.  The rock throwing continues for a bit then mom finally reaches the ATM.  My irritation levels slowly start to decline with my hope of "YAY it will all be over soon!". 
Yeah well I should have known better, apparently Mom's debit card isn't working or something.  She proceeds to detach the cell phone from her ear just long enough to drag her hellspawn into the lobby and get in line. There are two people in front of me and she is two people behind me...

Mom is still yapping away on her phone at full volume and full sailor style vocab (she apparently never learned what an inside voice was, I won't start on how fucking rude this behavior is, that will be the subject of a future blog) still completely ignoring anything her spawn are saying or doing.

Apparently the hellspawn both have dreams of being marathon style athletes because they immediately started practicing by racing each other around the lobby. *The line moves up by one person*

 Having completed their marathon training, the hellspawn start in on their vigorous debate team training.  In my opinion they need a lot more practice in this area because although they started debating calmly it quickly escalated into full on verbal warfare.  Screaming at each other at the top of their little lungs and fast to follow the physical altercations; slapping, punching, poking and kicking (in hind sight maybe it wasn't debate team training but some sort of underground street fighting).  Mom still has neither detached the phone from her head nor made any effort to explain to the spawn that the bank isn't an appropriate venue for their "training".

Finally it's my turn!!  I'm not in the clear yet; I have multiple transactions for our personal and business accounts but there is at least light at the end of the tunnel.

Mom finally hangs up the phone just in time to witness the boys knocking over the giant cardboard mortgage rates sign.  She responds with "Boys please leave that alone and come here.".  Doesn't scold them in any way!  Hell, she didn't even make an effort to pick up the sign just left it there.  Amazingly enough the spawn actually obey her request and slowly wander over to her.  Without missing a beat one of the spawn says "Mommy I want a sucker, you said we could have a sucker if we were good!" she replies, "You have to wait until it's our turn"  with feet stomping and all, spawn: "I want a sucker now!"  Mom then proceeds to step around the customer in front of her grabs the sucker bucket and sits it on the floor for the spawn to plunder through.  They quickly began to argue over which colors each wanted, mom's answer "You can each have one of each color".

At this point I'm completely dumbfounded!  Thinking to myself that she and I obviously have completely different definitions of the word good and that the world would be a much better place if the three of them would just spontaneously combust. 

My transactions are completed and I practically run out of the bank; sanity barely intact and indentations in my lip from biting it so hard.

Moral of the story:

There is no hope for those hellspawn or any of their like, it is far too late for them to be saved. They will be poorly mannered, lazy, self entitled brats until they turn into poorly mannered, lazy, self entitled pricks.


However, it's not their fault!  They are victims of lazy asshole parents who bribe their children for "good" behavior rather than requiring it.  Then they turn around and reward bribe acceptance rather than punishing bad behavior.


Seriously what in the hell is wrong with you people?!?!?   If you don't make an effort to teach your children basic human decency and manners don't bitch when they run all over you!

 If your child misbehaves don't be afraid to swat his/her butt!  There is a difference between spanking your child and child abuse.  If your children throw temper tantrums at the store don't offer them a treat if they will stop and behave!  Pick their little butts up carry them out of the store and take them home punish them however you see fit (if you don't believe in spanking do whatever it is you do) .  Make them realize that there are negative consequences for bad behavior!  Yes it may be inconvenient to you if you can't finish grocery shopping or eating your grand slam breakfast but guess what, PARENTING IS INCONVENIENT!!!  Plus, it will teach them how to be a better person and help them to grow up to be someone that actual human beings can tolerate.


So to recap; Bad = bad, good=good.  Require and reward automatic good manners/behavior, don't make bribes to entice it.  Disallow and punish bad manners/behavior.  Do your part to make the world a happier place!


Sidenote:  If you are out to eat or at a movie with your little bundle of joy and the poor dear gets cranky or fussy.  Get up off your lazy inconsiderate ass and walk outside and console your baby.  A baby is not to blame for its crying, that's how they communicate.  You, however, are to blame for remaining in the situation and letting your baby's cries cause brain damage to all surrounding you.