Rantings of an insane bartender: Rules to live by Part I

In the spirit of the blog's address I've decided that it's time that I actually write about something having to do with being a bartender.  This past weekend was busy but there wasn't any one particular event that stood out deserving a rant.  So I've decided to lay out some rules that you (a customer) should follow and cover a few basic behaviors that will drive any bartender batty or at the very least assure that you get the crappiest service possible.
*Disclaimer the opinions expressed in this blog represent only the views of the author and many of the bartending associates I've become acquainted with over the years.  By no means am I claiming that all bartenders share my opinions*

There is not a bartender on this planet that doesn't love to play, make up new drinks and expand our customers pallets. Our hearts go into our drinks especially our own creations and we take pride in what we do, mix that with the fact that it's like being an evil genius chemist without the years of college and it's a pretty sweet gig.   We will gladly take the time to discuss with you the tastes of various spirits and the myriad of combinations that they can be used in; give you our opinions on what we like and make recommendations on what we think you may enjoy based on any input you give us. However, there is a time and a place for everything!  If it's a busy Saturday night and you have to fight past walls of people just to get a glimpse at the bar, take a hint, this is not the appropriate time for us to have to play 50 questions with you just for you to end up settling and saying "Just give me a Bud light".  It's not that we are trying to be rude, hurt your feelings or make you feel any less special than mommy told you that you were; it's just that we have 100 other customers with money in hand and know exactly what it is they want.  Time is money people!  If you are that much of a novice or uncertain in the realm of alcohol, go out earlier in the night before the bar is slammed or on a night that is quieter and pick the bartender's brain then.  If you come in when we are bored we'll be more than happy to educate you and hey everyone wins.

Leading me to my next major point; on a busy night, be ready when we get to you! Nobody likes to be made to wait but we are only human; so, until we are replaced with robots waiting is an unfortunate side effect.  Keeping in mind how much you hate to wait please be considerate of the people getting served after you.  When you come up to the bar know what you want, how much of it you want and how you are going to pay for it.  Personally, if I come up to you and you aren't able to spit out a coherent order in a reasonable time, I'll move on and you'll be stuck waiting again.

• Hot tip for faster service on a busy night!  Rather than slamming your hand on the bar, whistling, yelling "Hey" or our names (all of which we HATE) try yelling out what it is you want, we will hear you and get it to you as quickly as humanly possible. We can multitask, I know it's crazy right (by the way when I say we, I mean myself and my bartenders I realize not all are capable)?!? 

My next and last point for this particular post is a little less refined but also very useful information.
Don't be a douche bag!!  It's amazing what a little patience and money will get you.  We are all human, we have bad days, make mistakes and have our "blonde" moments.  Don't get pissy if we screw up your drink one time.  If you aren't a douche bag  about it we will gladly fix our mistake and over compensate you for it.
Tipping is not a city in China! Yes we are being paid to be there but please keep in mind that servers and bartenders don't even make minimum wage, the majority of our income is tipped based.  So don't be surprised if the person who always tips (even small amounts) gets served before the person that rarely tips.  We've got bills to pay too!  We don't sell our souls to raging assholes for the love of the smell of stale booze we do it for the money!  Don't misunderstand me, everyone runs into hard times and we get that but for christ's sake if letting your server keep at least the fifty cents change breaks the bank for you, you shouldn't be at the bar in the first place.

and now I'll leave you with my favorite perfect example video that everyone should watch and learn from: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgWOWp7gHlw









Please stay tuned for Part II <3

The right to not reproduce.....

No worries I'm not about to go on some feminist tangent; but due to various articles in the recent news, my blood is boiling and if I don't talk about this I just may explode.

  Birth Control and emergency contraceptives:

This battle has been raging for years and the "Anti's" have arguments coming from a number of directions.  I will do my best to stick to some basic argument points I've seen and my retorts.

• Birth control goes against God's plan/will 

1. Fine if that's what you believe don't use it; no one is standing in your bathroom every morning forcing a pill down your throat!  However, you have absolutely no right to force your beliefs on someone else or to tell them that they can't or shouldn't use it (and since "God" is omnipotent if it were truly "God's will" would a little pill or condom really prevent someone from becoming pregnant?).  This is especially true for the doctors and pharmacists that want the right to refuse due to moral or religious conflicts.  Unless you are a faith healer, your religious beliefs have no place in medicine.
2.  The world already suffers from poverty,famine,disease, and every other side effect of over population. How could anyone in their right mind (The church, the Pope, etc) tell someone not to practice safe sex or to not use birth control?   Not only are most families struggling to put a mere meal on the table but the planet can't sustain the those we have, why in the hell should we continue to carelessly increase our numbers?

• Ease of access for teenagers increases sexual activity and promotes irresponsibility:

This point is so ludicrous that I have a hard time doing anything but laughing.  No parent wants their teenager to be sexual active, but it's better to educate and prepare them than to turn a blind eye!    Would you rather your teen come to you and say "Mom/Dad I'm thinking about having sex and I would like to be safe about it." or come to you and say "Mom/Dad we had sex and now we are pregnant."?   I know some people will reply to that question with " Neither, I've told them that sex is forbidden and that they can't do it; abstinence until marriage."  Yeah, because that's been working really well so far right?  (For the oblivious, that was heavily laced with sarcasm)    Wake up people, it doesn't matter what YOU want; if your kid really wants to have sex, they will.  It won't matter what you've preached,screamed or taught.  Arm them with the knowledge and tools to be safe and responsible!  By all means take all the steps to prevent it but don't be naive enough to think that it will never happen just because it shouldn't.

• I don't want my $$ to go to someone's use of it:

This is most applicable to tax/federal funding towards certain medical providers and government funded health insurance.

1. The over population response is valid here; tax dollars are still going to be spent in these areas, would you rather a small amount go to pay for some pills or increase tax amounts to cover the growing expense of unplanned pregnancies producing children that the parents can't afford to feed?   It doesn't take a mathematician to figure out which is more logical.
2. I don't think my tax dollars should be spent on medications for people who have medical issues due to obesity.  Why should I pay for their medicine because they won't put down the burger and fries and get off of their lazy asses and exercise a little bit?  ( Before I create a world of cry babies I realize there are medical conditions/diseases that cause obesity and/or prevent people from exercise, I'm not referring to people suffering from said conditions.  I'm talking about people who are capable and just won't.)  The same argument could be used in every situation so it either has to be all or nothing here people.

The moral of the story:  Everyone has the "right" to reproduce (even though they shouldn't), for the most part by any means they see fit.  Everyone should have the equal "right" to not reproduce.

Today on Sanity has left the building: Hellspawn children and the inept parents that create them.

I've said it a million times "I hate kids"!  Now don't misunderstand, I'm a mom, I have a soft spot for babies but once they've grown past the "little bundle of joys" stage,  in most cases I just don't want them anywhere in my general vicinity.  I have no patience for the whining,crying,yelling, or ear shattering banshee like temper tantrums.

Yesterday I was at the bank and was subjected to someone's pair of hellspawn, (this experience being the ultimate inspiration for this post). As I always do, I quickly retreated into the depths of my mind in a desperate effort to escape the painful surroundings.  While there I had a  an epiphany; though I do indeed absolutely loathe the little demons, it's their parents that I truly hate.

The Scenario
I'm standing in line waiting for my turn and I hear a few rapid loud bangs.  I look to find the source of the sound and just outside of the glass doors I see two boys (I'm guessing ages 5-7) and their mother.  Mom, is standing in line at the ATM talking on her cell phone completely ignoring the fact that her hellspawn are standing in the graveled area throwing rocks at the windows of the bank.  Almost immediately I was ready to jump out of my place in line and go scream at all three of them but it was a long line so I refrained.  The rock throwing continues for a bit then mom finally reaches the ATM.  My irritation levels slowly start to decline with my hope of "YAY it will all be over soon!". 
Yeah well I should have known better, apparently Mom's debit card isn't working or something.  She proceeds to detach the cell phone from her ear just long enough to drag her hellspawn into the lobby and get in line. There are two people in front of me and she is two people behind me...

Mom is still yapping away on her phone at full volume and full sailor style vocab (she apparently never learned what an inside voice was, I won't start on how fucking rude this behavior is, that will be the subject of a future blog) still completely ignoring anything her spawn are saying or doing.

Apparently the hellspawn both have dreams of being marathon style athletes because they immediately started practicing by racing each other around the lobby. *The line moves up by one person*

 Having completed their marathon training, the hellspawn start in on their vigorous debate team training.  In my opinion they need a lot more practice in this area because although they started debating calmly it quickly escalated into full on verbal warfare.  Screaming at each other at the top of their little lungs and fast to follow the physical altercations; slapping, punching, poking and kicking (in hind sight maybe it wasn't debate team training but some sort of underground street fighting).  Mom still has neither detached the phone from her head nor made any effort to explain to the spawn that the bank isn't an appropriate venue for their "training".

Finally it's my turn!!  I'm not in the clear yet; I have multiple transactions for our personal and business accounts but there is at least light at the end of the tunnel.

Mom finally hangs up the phone just in time to witness the boys knocking over the giant cardboard mortgage rates sign.  She responds with "Boys please leave that alone and come here.".  Doesn't scold them in any way!  Hell, she didn't even make an effort to pick up the sign just left it there.  Amazingly enough the spawn actually obey her request and slowly wander over to her.  Without missing a beat one of the spawn says "Mommy I want a sucker, you said we could have a sucker if we were good!" she replies, "You have to wait until it's our turn"  with feet stomping and all, spawn: "I want a sucker now!"  Mom then proceeds to step around the customer in front of her grabs the sucker bucket and sits it on the floor for the spawn to plunder through.  They quickly began to argue over which colors each wanted, mom's answer "You can each have one of each color".

At this point I'm completely dumbfounded!  Thinking to myself that she and I obviously have completely different definitions of the word good and that the world would be a much better place if the three of them would just spontaneously combust. 

My transactions are completed and I practically run out of the bank; sanity barely intact and indentations in my lip from biting it so hard.

Moral of the story:

There is no hope for those hellspawn or any of their like, it is far too late for them to be saved. They will be poorly mannered, lazy, self entitled brats until they turn into poorly mannered, lazy, self entitled pricks.


However, it's not their fault!  They are victims of lazy asshole parents who bribe their children for "good" behavior rather than requiring it.  Then they turn around and reward bribe acceptance rather than punishing bad behavior.


Seriously what in the hell is wrong with you people?!?!?   If you don't make an effort to teach your children basic human decency and manners don't bitch when they run all over you!

 If your child misbehaves don't be afraid to swat his/her butt!  There is a difference between spanking your child and child abuse.  If your children throw temper tantrums at the store don't offer them a treat if they will stop and behave!  Pick their little butts up carry them out of the store and take them home punish them however you see fit (if you don't believe in spanking do whatever it is you do) .  Make them realize that there are negative consequences for bad behavior!  Yes it may be inconvenient to you if you can't finish grocery shopping or eating your grand slam breakfast but guess what, PARENTING IS INCONVENIENT!!!  Plus, it will teach them how to be a better person and help them to grow up to be someone that actual human beings can tolerate.


So to recap; Bad = bad, good=good.  Require and reward automatic good manners/behavior, don't make bribes to entice it.  Disallow and punish bad manners/behavior.  Do your part to make the world a happier place!


Sidenote:  If you are out to eat or at a movie with your little bundle of joy and the poor dear gets cranky or fussy.  Get up off your lazy inconsiderate ass and walk outside and console your baby.  A baby is not to blame for its crying, that's how they communicate.  You, however, are to blame for remaining in the situation and letting your baby's cries cause brain damage to all surrounding you. 

Social media, learn everything you never wanted to know about anyone you know.

In today's world there are a myriad of social media outlets such as Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram (just to name a few).  Of those listed I personally only use Facebook so I'll be using it as my "poster child" for this particular rant.

Facebook, I've come to the conclusion that I hate it just as much as I love it.  It is the perfect combination of good and evil depending on how you choose to perceive certain things, but let me begin with my explanation of why I feel this way.
(this could be a long and drawn out process and I'll try to combine my thoughts into a less than 500 page thesis)

On my personal Facebook page I have 882 "friends"  We are using the word friend very loosely there.  In actuality I can count my real friends (the people I consider friends) on my fingers, and I have about 30 or so family members.  The rest are people that I'm fond of but don't really hang out with, business contacts or people who think they know me because I served them a drink one night at the bar.  Sorry folks, but me being nice to you because I'm getting paid to be doesn't make us friends, it makes us acquaintances. 

The good

I fully enjoy being able to log in and keep up with my friends and family, look at their pictures and have conversations without ever having to pick up a phone. There is no longer a need for snail mail which I don't miss at all, even though I do miss getting unique "experience the moment" letters from my cousin Mike (to those confused that is kind of inside joke so don't feel badly for not understanding).
 I also use Facebook for business purposes.  On my business page I promote specials, and post pictures of our event nights; it's been an incredible tool to keep us in touch with our customer base.  I've even been known to use it to get in touch with my staff, once again enjoying the perk of not having to make a phone call.
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Some people refer to me as a cynic, I would call myself a realist.  Over the years my faith in humanity has consistently dropped.  Long gone are the days of the naivety of trusting and believing in people as a whole. I used to sincerely feel that the "few" bad apples didn't ruin the bunch (at times I deeply long for that feeling to return) but now I realize that the bad apples out number the good in staggering amounts.


Facebook's impact, the things I want to say here make me feel like I have some form of Tourette's syndrome; ready to cuss and spit and beat myself over the head with a large blunt instrument.   I'll refer to this as the "Dark side".

The bad and ugly "Dark side"


We are all entitled to our own opinions and are free to share them, that is the great thing about this country. What astonishes me are how many "friends" I have that are racist,hate-mongering, close minded, bigots; people I once was quite fond of that I absolutely no longer want to associate with.  Things I would have most likely never learned without Facebook!
 In recent years, for example, with the election and reelection of our first black president and gay marriage rights being in the fore front of debate, I have seen "friends" post pictures and say things that make my stomach turn!  Things that make me seriously wonder how we as a population ever crawled out of the dark ages.  Proof (to me) that as a whole our species maybe evolving technologically but certainly not socially.  I have lost all hope/faith in humans.  Animals > People!

 I will now stray away from that because honestly I could rant about it for days and this is already too long.  I will now spotlight a couple of types of  bad and ugly things that happen all the time on the "Dark side" of Facebook

• "TMI" Airing your personal dirty laundry on a public forum of any nature is not only stupid and a sure sign that you're an attention whore but completely inconsiderate to everyone that reads it.  If your are arguing with your significant other it is a private matter and should be kept that way.  If you are so childish to have the need to publicly drag them through the mud then maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship.  When both parties are involved and it turns into a full blown digital argument, you both should do us all a favor and GROW THE HELL UP ALREADY!!!  

•  "Sharers"~ The people who constantly repost  recent time urban legends, myths and lies, (ex: HIV infected needles in gas pump handles, the government requiring people to get micro-chipped and so on).  There are a few of types of "sharers" some think they are being helpful by spreading the word, some are naive and apparently believe "it's on the internet so it must be true" and then some aren't sure what to believe but share things anyway just in case (and they are just too lazy to do 30 seconds of research).           No matter what type of "sharer" you are,  http://www.snopes.com/ is your friend!!!!!!!!!!! It takes about a minute to look something up to see if it's true or not quit feeding the fire by spreading ignorance all over Facebook.

Moral of this very long story:  Use your brain (that is if you have one) and think before you post!

Gay marriage

Today opening arguments were given to the supreme court in the landmark gay marriage battle.
(warning! this could turn into a very scattered angry rant!)

Anyone that knows me knows that I am all for equality live and let live etc.  I've always thought of it like this: If two consenting adults want to get married, how in the hell is that any of my business?

The two most common opposing arguments:

• Gay marriage destroys the sanctity of marriage 

WTF?!  Are you fucking kidding me?  I can't recall a time in the history of man that there was "sanctity of marriage". Do I need to pull out charts of this country's divorce rates?  Sure there were times when people weren't allowed to divorce but that law didn't magically turn everyone into good little loving obedient spouses .  Shall we even begin to discuss how many people have died due to their "sanctimonious marriage"; How many wives murdered cheating husbands because they weren't allowed or would be outcasts if they were to leave them?  How many wives died at the hands of husbands anxious to replace them?  (Btw I'm not gender biased both situations can be applied to both genders just as equally) 
-Moral of the story, no matter who you are or whether you're married in a church or not, "Sanctity of Marriage" is a myth.

• It's immoral and goes against God 

If you believe in God, that's great for you.  That is your choice and I'm fine with that as long as you aren't trying to preach to me.
  No matter what you believe God/religion/the church has no place in a federal/state legally binding agreement.  That is what this boils down to plain and simple.  We aren't all debating if gay people should be allowed to run down to the nearest Catholic church and get married by a priest in the eyes of God.  We are debating whether or not the states in this country should give homosexuals the right to sign a legally binding contract.  Why is this so difficult for some of you?  Compare it to any hetero couple that gets married in a court house in front of a JP or at a drive through in Vegas..  That's not some holy ritual that we are all praying at. 
 One of the founding principles of this country was freedom from religious persecution, everyone's freedom of religion or the lack there of.  By forbidding homosexuals from getting married, aren't we in fact religiously persecuting them?  Taking religious beliefs and shoving them down their throats and collectively screaming "My God doesn't like what you're doing so we won't allow you to do it!"? 
  If churches of various faiths refuse to preform marriage ceremonies based on sexual orientation so be it; that is their belief and they have the right to refuse based on THEIR religious beliefs.  However, in this country where both love and justice are blind, we as a people should be blind to someones gender when they are lucky enough to have found someone they are willing to make miserable for the rest of their lives.

So it begins

If you're a closed minded easily offended bigot please turn back now!

I've been threatening for quite a while to start a blog and BOOM! Today seemed like the day to do so. The only purposes of this blog is for me to be able to truly vent/ponder in written form and occasionally share my thoughts on heated topics with my friends.  Most people do the latter on Facebook but since my personal account is associated with my business account I do my best to keep my opinions off of Facebook.

I will rant and rave on various "hot topics", constantly question the general lack of competence in the human race and rage over moronic behavior that I encounter each weekend at work (names will be changed to protect the stupid and guilty)

There will be no format, no schedule, no rhyme, no reason ehh I'm sure you get the point (and if you don't you shouldn't bother to read anything I post in the future because you won't have the ability to comprehend anything I say.  Hell how do you dress yourself in the mornings?).

So, that being said, Hello and welcome to the world of an insane bar owner!