The softer side

Assuming that you aren't a total stranger that just happens to be reading my blog, you know that Micha (my son) has just graduated high school and is all set to move to Flagstaff and start attending NAU.  He'll be moving at the end of July so I still have two months but two months will pass in a blink of an eye. 

Micha hasn't really portrayed any emotion regarding the move, not even a hint of nervousness (though I am sure he is a least a little bit) the only thing I know for certain is that he can't wait to get away from the small mindedness of Thatcher and out of the desert heat. 

I couldn't be more proud or excited for him, truly I couldn't.  I can't wait for him to start out on his journey and see the way his adult life unfolds. The boy has endless potential and no anchors to hold him back.

That in mind, I have to admit, I am an absolute wreck.  Every time the slightest thought of him moving pops up in my mind, I get teary eyed if not full blown start crying.  Normal reaction right?  I mean it's only natural that a mother will miss her child when the child leaves the home.  I've seen other parents deal with the same situation and I'm still shocked by the severity of my own reactions.  He'll only be 5 hours away, it's not like he'll be on the other side of the world; then it dawned upon me, the reason my emotions are so wired and my reactions so strong.

The epiphany:

Micha is my best friend, he is my smile, my strength, my courage and everything that has kept me going everyday. I got pregnant with him when I was 17, was a single mother until he was 9, I have literally spent every day of my adult life with my son, he and I grew up together.  I have no idea how to live without him.  I know in time, we will all adjust.  I know it will get easier and I will find ways to cope with this emptiness that is taking over.  For now though, I'm a mess and I feel as though my heart is being torn from my chest, or that a part of me is dying.  I miss him already and he's not even gone. 

That's really it, just needed to say it "out loud" I guess.  So, for those of you that wonder why I look away or change the subject when talking about his plans, now you know.

A man where a boy once stood, a boy I wish I had just a bit more time with.

It's been a long time... no really, like a really long time.

I haven't blogged since September of last year, I just reread that post and thought, damn that was a good post, I should write another.  Let me try to explain my absence or lack of motivation.  Typically when I write, I'm driven by anger, how easily the words flow when I'm completely pissed off.  However, for the last few (perhaps more) months I've felt exhausted and defeated, had more of the attitude of why bother to even waste my breath?  That combined with the fact that someone dear to me has started getting shitty with me about my blogs and it's kind of derailed my writing train.



Screw that! If they don't like what I have to say, or the fact that I say it semi publicly then they can kiss my lily white bottom.  I'm still feeling slightly defeated but had just enough of a crazy weekend that here I am.  Time to let my little demons out to play.


Quick recap:
2014 so far has been a screwed up year, filled with a lot of heart ache and worry, not only for myself but many people I know. 
At the beginning of the year, I lost a very dear friend, a man that was loved by all that knew him.  My heart still aches when I think of him or see his picture.  I feel very fortunate to be able to call him my friend and that I have many cherished memories, Raul Luzania, I love you <3

That is how the year started and honestly it hasn't gotten any easier.  In February I experienced something I hope to never go through again, when we had a psychotic scum bag stab another patron in our club,  Anthony Lucero Torres of Deming, New Mexico, I hope you are being slowly and painfully tortured somewhere right now. 

Ok, so those are a couple of examples of how stupid this year has been, let me fast forward to this past Friday night...

Friday we had a decent crowd, pretty evenly mixed of our beloved regulars and unfamiliar faces. EAC (the local college) had their graduation, we had a lot of people in celebrating for that.  It was a good time. Until I stepped out on to the patio for a quick stress reliever (a cigarette, they keep me from going to prison for homicide, don't judge) and I see puke, puke and more puke.  Nice, jackass couldn't even manage to find the oversized  garbage can.  Now, thankfully I'm the boss and rarely anymore do I have to actually clean the puke myself, so I inform the bouncer and he goes about disposing of the mess. 
Moments later I am informed that some unknown man had stepped into our broom closet and hadn't come out yet.  Now keep in mind this room is tiny, barely room for an adult person to stand in width wise and all that is in there are brooms, the mop and the hot water heater.  Upon receiving this news, I ask one of my male customers to take a peek and see if the guy is just passed out or what.  He opens the door, and sees the guy with his pants down, closes the door.  At this point I ask him to go get the bouncer for me.  While waiting I held the door shut as the guy inside is frantically trying to get out, yeah, fuck that, no way I'm letting out because I would have probably gone to jail if I had to deal with him.  Bouncer arrives (the same bouncer that cleaned the puke, poor guy right?) I quickly explain the situation and walk away before I kill someone.  He throws the guy out and proceeds to clean the puddle of pee off of the floor in the broom closet.  Seriously motherfucker went into a tiny pitch black room and thought "Hey this obviously must be the bathroom" Couldn't even walk out and pee in the parking lot with the rest of the numbskulls that have yet, discovered indoor plumbing? 

It is now 1 am and we are all doing the one more hour dance... this hour goes by with little issue.  Closer to 2 am the poor over worked man has to duck out into the parking lot to deal with some people that were drinking in their car (big time against the law kids) Shortly after he'd gone outside a customer approaches me at the bar and says something that just absolutely blew my mind, seriously this one sentence took quite a bit of time to sink it, hell I still can't believe it really.  Before, I continue let me explain our bathroom set up for anyone unfamiliar.  We have 2 men's restrooms, one single room with a toilet and sink, and then another room with 6 urinals and a sink.  Ok, where were we, oh yes, the comment that broke my brain... "Uh Amanda, someone shit on the floor by the urinal"

Bam! Brain broken! "Huh, what, are you serious?  Like really? It's not puke?"

First I can't even begin to comprehend someone doing it, and also can't understand how no one else caught the pig in the act.  Seriously, bathrooms are busy places in a bar. 

Who the fuck shits on the floor?  We never did find out who did it, and the poor unfortunate bouncer who will now be known as the "Master of the mess" had to clean it up.


Moral of the story: Just when I think I've seen it all, humanity never fails to step down to a new low and prove me wrong!

The value of a life to your false humanity...

It's September 11, 2013, twelve years after the attack on the twin towers and everyone is posting "Never forget" and "In remembrance" pictures on Facebook and it's making me insane.

Before you start accusing me of being even more of a heartless bitch than you already thought, allow me to state my point of view...

I am human, I am fully capable of empathy; losing a loved one no matter the circumstances is hard and heartbreaking.  It's a pain that everyone on this planet shares multiple times in their lives (admittedly some more than others).  That is the one guarantee about life, it ends and there is nothing we can do to stop it.  Having said that, I've cried over the loss of strangers or even people that I really didn't care for just for the simple fact that I can empathize with the loss that their loved ones are feeling.

9-11 was a tragedy that rocked our country to its very core. The impact that it had was felt for various reasons the most relevant being, the scale of the foreign attack on our home soil and the number of lives lost.

Scale, 3000 people, that is a large number but not larger than the number of people who die in this country everyday for other reasons.   Yet, this is so much more tragic because they all died in the same space/time?   If all of those same people still died the same day but in car crashes scattered throughout the nation would you still remember them, would you feel so "heartbroken" today?  Is the pain someone feels due to losing a loved one in the attack more valid than the pain of a mother who lost her child in childbirth, more tragic than the pain of a child who lost their father in a drive by shooting? 


Have you even once stopped to contemplate the number of people who die to terrorism on a daily basis in other countries?  The people who live through events like 9-11 on a daily basis?  Is this country's loss more important than theirs?
I already know what most would say "This is more real to us because they were Americans and it happened here."
So what you're saying is that because the people lost were Americans their lives were more valuable than the lives of the people lost in other countries?  Our pain is more significant than the pain felt by the hundreds of thousands of people in the other countries?  In 2011 over 600 people in Iraq were killed in car bombings, more than 600 just to car bombings, that's not including other acts of terrorism.  Reread that and let it sink in for a moment.


You know what I hate worse than Christians of convenience?  Humans of convenience.  To those who are incapable of understanding that I will explain. 

I hate all the people who need a holiday or tragedy to remind them how to be human.  Christmas, Veteran's day, Thanksgiving, today, etc   The days of the year when everyone goes around preaching about how they and everyone else should show respect and love one another... every life is precious, make love not war blah blah blah.  Fuck you!  You should behave that way everyday.
Saying that you'll never forget the lives lost in 9-11 doesn't make up for the fact that you treat people like shit every other day of the year and would gladly step on the throat of someone to get ahead in life.  
You're all fucking hypocrites.

I behave the same way everyday no matter the circumstances.  I treat people how they deserve to be treated, if you're a good person I'll treat you as such, on the other hand if you are a loser waste of flesh, I'll treat you accordingly.

I've made it quite clear that I prefer the animal kingdom to humanity, I've never seen an animal go out of it's way to fuck someone over out of maliciousness.  Animals follow their instincts, if they eat you it was because they were hungry, not because they were jealous of your new shoes. 



I've gotten a little more derailed than I intended so I'll just end this here..


Moral of the story:  A human life is a human life, none more valuable than the next.  Everyone is somebody to someone.  Stop being an "American" and start being human.   If you so value life then stop preaching about it and start proving it.   Talk is cheap and so is your fake ass humanitarian bullshit. 

I'd like you to go to Hell, do you need directions or can you find your way on your own?

Oh it's been a long time... I have quite a few partially completed posts, I may finish them one day if I recapture the correct motivation but in the meantime they shall remain in limbo.  This particular blog is actually more of a rant, I'm not sure how much structure will be involved.  Hopefully it will be enough of a release that it will save me from a lengthy homicidal related prison sentence.

Those of you who are hands on managers, business owners will be able to sympathize with this first part. 

My club is open 2 nights a week.  Two nights a week I deal with all sorts of drunken bullshit drama because not only am I the owner/manager I also work my own bar, I do a little bit of everything but most of my time is spent bartending.  It would be less than honest of me to say that I'm all smiles and rainbows at work, there are indeed times where I am not exactly what I would call pleasant.  Hard to believe right?  

There are many things that can trigger my moods, the first that I'm going to address is one I've talked about before but apparently it needs to be talked about again. 

(Fade in) customer x approaches the bar "Amanda, can I talk to you?" 
Amanda: "Sure, what's up?"
X: "Well I was thinking you should do.. blah blah blah blah blah blah.. because even though everyone really loves your club and always a great time here you should change everything and do, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah."
Amanda:  "Well you see this won't work because...."
(fade scene)  The blah blahs were to fill the spaces where I stopped listening to a damn thing said.

I fucking hate people trying to tell me how to run my business!  I'm open to input and suggestions but next time you decide to approach me to tell me how exactly I should change everything, please keep a few things in mind; I have been working in night clubs and bars for nearly 20 years and have successfully been running this one just shy of 10.  There is a method to my madness, there are reasons I do certain things and not others.  Other than trying to adhere to Arizona's ridiculous liquor laws, I also have to take into consideration what will work in this town, especially with our diverse crowd.  In the mean time trying to keep costs down because everyone wants something for nothing.
You think you can do what I do, I'd like to see you fucking try.


Moving right along... All bars have regular customers who we make exceptions or do favors for.  Mine is no exceptions.  I'll be the first to admit that I have my favorites.  My favorites aren't always based on what most people would assume either, it's not all about money.  Yes, money talks but in the long run if someone is a total douche bag it doesn't really matter how much money he has unless he's got enough cash in his wallet to buy the club out right.   A lot of my favorites are just people who come in frequently, spend a moderate amount of money and have a good time.  Non dramatic, fun,happy people.  For those people I will go out of my way, I will grant favors and make exceptions.
However, if you're a mildly pleasant but gets increasingly obnoxious as the night progresses, comes in once every 4 months (if that) and happens to spend $200 one night, don't expect favors from me.
Especially when said favor would put my liquor license and livelihood at risk.

 both of these lead up to

"At least you only work two nights a week."  Oh really?  If that's the case then I'm doing something very wrong.  Please enlighten me on how exactly the world stops at 2 AM every Sunday morning.  How the liquor magically restocks itself, the bar cleans itself, paper work files itself, taxes get paid all on their own and so on.  Seriously, people who do you think takes care of the disasters you leave behind?  The Keebler elves don't live here.  Everything you dirty, break, or consume I'm responsible for replacing and or cleaning.  That's just the basics, who do you think maintains the parking lot, pulls the weeds, adds music to the computer, plans the special event parties, designs and makes the pretty flyers, buys the decorations etc etc etc.  I own a business, I'm a mother and a wife.. I work 24 hours a day 7 days a week. On top of my "only two nights a week".


Bonus material, Don't knock on my front door.. I try to be gracious to those who have forgotten their credit cards but I've had all I can take.. from people asking for their ban to be waved, seeking employment and today's icing of wanting to dispute their cc tab that he signed for last night. 

Yes this part is just for you Adam J Ornelas, good job asshole you've now ruined it for everyone.
I'm now actively looking for a new home and will be moving as soon as I possibly can.  No longer will anyone be available during the week to help the poor souls that have forgotten their cards on Saturday night.  So if you happen to be one of those unfortunate people you can thank good old Adam!  I will say this for him he's either a special kind of stupid or has some serious balls to go to someone's home and accuse them of ripping him off...

Moral of the story: If you went to a restaurant and the next day wanted to dispute a charge on your credit card would you go to the home of the manager of the restaurant or would you call your credit card company?  If you wanted a job at Safeway, where would you go to put in an application?
Use your brains people, assuming you have one.  I know I'm probably assuming too much from most of the population.

The friend zone

It's not what you're thinking, I'm not talking about some poor bastard who is secretly pining for his best friend.  Although, that may be a topic in the future.

No, this is about people who can't seem to tell the difference between business and personal matters.

It's common knowledge that I am a business woman, I own and run a night club.  Any given weekend you can see my sunshiny smiling face behind the bar (yes I'm being sarcastic).  From the moment I step foot into that bar I am all business.  Friend, foe, or family member, no longer exist for me, you are now either a customer or an employee. 

I do my best to treat everyone with respect until they give me reason to do otherwise; what that means is no matter who you are if you fuck up, I'm going to let you know and treat you accordingly.

My dearest employees (past,present, and future): 

Get this through your skulls, if I didn't like you on a personal level you wouldn't/won't work for me long.  I'm the boss and one of the only perks of that is not being forced to endure coworkers that I can't stand.
However, I can't be friends with my staff.  Not meaning that I won't be friendly or that we won't chit chat at work but don't get your panties in a twist if I don't hang out with you socially.  I've been burned too many times in the past by "friends" that I've had working for me. I learned a valuable lesson by it, an employee that considers themselves my friend expects special considerations or exemptions when it comes to work (there are a few exceptions to this rule and they know who they are.) and then get hurt when they realize that they aren't special, not when it comes to my business.  If you're fucking off at work you are fucking with my livelihood and I won't stand for it.  No one is irreplaceable and you're not exempt from that rule no matter how close we are.

There have been times in the past that I've been backed into a corner and not been able to "punish" bad behavior but I have a long memory so if you currently work for me and think you've gotten away with your stupid bullshit, think again.   


My friends, or people who think they are my friends:

I love it when friends come in to party it up.  I enjoy my bartender/hostess role and helping my friends relax and have a good time.  It's always nice to have a bar full of people that I enjoy it makes everyone's night nicer. 

Having said that, if you come into my club and act like a stupid jackass don't expect me to coddle or baby you.  Anyone that is truly my friend damn well knows that I will be the first person to call you out on your bullshit and that is especially so if it's in my bar.  In fact if we truly are friends I'll actually probably be harder on you than I would be with some random asshole.  I hold my friends to a higher standard and if you are going to behave like and idiot, I have no use for you in my life.  There have been some people who have learned this lesson the hard way, some handled it better than others but either way they all now know not to expect special treatment if they've screwed up during my business hours.  So let me say this in case I haven't made it clear, if I'm working don't expect me to treat you any differently than I would a complete stranger; all the same rules apply to you as they do to anyone else. As I said before, if you're fucking up in my bar, you're screwing with my livelihood and no one likes to have their money fucked with.

Bonus material!!
Also pretty common knowledge, I live right behind the club.  Yes my HOME is directly behind it, it's quite convenient on delivery days and save a lot in gas money (please note the enunciation on home).  When I'm at home I'm no longer in business mode, this is my personal sanctuary.  Nothing boils my blood quite as much as when someone comes knocking on my front door with business related issues.  If you want to talk to me about business related matters come talk to me when I'm at work during business hours.  If you want to apply for a job and you come to my home not only will I tell you to go to the bar while it's open but I guarantee you that your application will go directly in the garbage if you come back to fill one out.  If I wanted to apply for a job at the office down the street I sure as fuck wouldn't go to the owner's home to ask for a job.  Have a little common courtesy you assholes!   The one exception are people who have forgotten their credit cards the night before but even that has its limitations. For those who have knocked on my door before 10 in the morning FUCK YOU!

Moral of the story:  If it's business don't take it personally, and if it's personal don't bring it to my business.  If you can't make a distinction between the two,  you're an idiot, we aren't friends and you're just fooling yourself.

Special shout out to Daniel J. Zuniga-Romero who is one of the best customers ever!!

The United States of Stupid part IV

Here we have part IV, the last planned post in the United States of Stupid series.  Originally there was but one topic for this post and it was going to be relatively short and sweet.  However, I have already been irritated by someone's inability to read and honor a basic request so, this post is going to grow.

 Before I start let me say this, I am not bashing people for being religious!!  I have always had the mind set of to each their own.  If God, church, and religion makes you happy and gives you what you need to get through life, fine that's great for you. However, I've never known a person of religion that didn't at least all but demand everyone respect their religious beliefs; yet they are so unwilling to offer the same respect for those who don't share their belief.  If I respect your right to worship, respect my right not to.

Last night while browsing news headlines I happened upon yet another article regarding the religious conservatives pushing for a new law that would further restrict a woman's ability to have a safe and legal abortion.  I understand their outlook on it, according to them it is murder, wrong, and goes completely against God.  Again I have no problem with that, that is how they feel and believe, I respect that.  What I have a huge problem with is the people trying to force their beliefs and feelings upon every person in this country (abortion related or otherwise).

Myself, I'm not pro-abortion, I am pro-choice.  Let me explain this standpoint for those too dense to understand. I don't think that abortion should be used as a form of birth control; there are a lot of options available for that.  What I mean is that if you run around like the town tramp, spreading like butter on hot toast (especially without protection) I don't think you should use abortion as your fall back; get fixed, get on the pill, the shot, hell take a plan b with your breakfast.   That being said, even with the most responsible adults accidents happen, condoms break, pills fail etc.  It is for these people I absolutely support their right to choose to have the procedure if they feel it is the best option for them.  I can't even fathom how someone could question this right for rape victims...

Your religious beliefs are your own, if you have a moral issue with abortion, don't have one; it truly is that simple.  Get off your soap boxes and stop your crusades, if there is a God, then he will judge us all when the time comes, it's not your place to do so.

Moving right along to the original short and sweet topic....

I've already written a whole post on gay marriage and how I feel about it but, there is one particular issue that really irks me and that's what I'll be addressing here.
Everyone that is anti-gay marriage has their own reason for feeling that way, some religion, some are homophobic, what ever.  Fine if that's how you feel, I'm not here to try to change anyone's mind.


What I want to know is this, why do convicted murderers and rapists that are still incarcerated (some even on death row) have more rights in this country than someone who is gay?  Why is it that someone who has raped and killed multiple people is allowed to marry while still in prison but someone who has done nothing but fallen in love with another human of the same gender can not?

I'll leave it at that.

Moral of all the stories I-IV:  The road to hell is paved with good intentions and we are now right in the middle of it.  This country has gone to hell and the future is grim.  History has shown us that all great empires implode, wake up America or we will be the next example.

The United States of Stupid part III

Six in the morning and I'm writing a blog post... this could get interesting :)

Today's topics may be slightly more controversial than the previous two; having said that, if you disagree and your feelings are hurt by what I say, I don't give a damn!

I'd like to discuss the "rights" that we bestow upon people, who in my opinion don't deserve them compared to people we deny those same privileges. 

Let's start off with the welfare system!  Another good intention that has been completely overrun with stupid.  Some people believe that we should abolish the welfare system altogether; I disagree, I think it just needs to be rebuilt in ways that no politician has the balls to push as their agenda. 

I was raised with a simple principal, help people who are trying to help themselves.  Simple example, if I at some point needed to borrow money from my father because my car broke down and I couldn't get to work, he'd lend it to me; on the other hand if I needed money to pay rent because I was sitting on my ass all day long, he'd tell me to get bent.  
  What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word welfare?  To most it's some lazy woman with 8 kids, sitting on her ass and continuing to reproduce all in the name of free money.  This isn't just some random stereo type, people have that association because it happens so often. This is the classic perfect example of someone who does not deserve help and should forced into sterilization.
Wake up people, it should be a hand up, not a hand out!  I've long been bitter over the welfare system and it's backwards ethics; people who need and deserve a little help are normally the ones denied the help.  Here comes a personal experience example; once again we get to reflect on my time at American Express.  I'll try to condense this because I really do want to move on to my next subject.

Long story short, I was a single mom working my ass off to support my son. His "donor" has never paid even a penny of child support.  I was doing my best to financially keep afloat, and although I had a good paying job, day care expenses were making that nearly impossible.  So on one of my days off I went to D.E.S and applied for child care assistance, nothing else.  A week later I get a letter in the mail telling me that I had been denied due to the fact that I made .75 cents a month too much to be eligible.  So essentially they were telling me that if I took a lower paying job, or only worked part time I could get all the help I wanted, but since I was doing my best to be self sufficient I was screwed.  The only way to fix it, burn it to the ground and rebuild completely.

This next portion is a part that may be a little more controversial.  Let's talk illegal immigrants.  For the most part I will be discussing more localized issues but some will apply to any and all.
Let me first say I was all for the DREAM act.  I thought it was a great idea, and for anyone who has been in the country illegally for years, if they have been working and providing for their families, and not involved in criminal activities (other than being here illegally) then let them stay.  What's done is done.  

I want to talk about ones that are coming now.  If someone from an impoverished country wants to come here to try and make a better life for their family, do it, but do it legally. If you were trying to get a new job, would you break a major company policy in efforts to get that job?  No, it's the same thing.

Here in Arizona illegal immigration is a hot topic (no pun intended), every year dozens of immigrants die in the Arizona deserts from heat and exposure.  It's sad yes, but it's the chance they willingly took.  Some years ago I read an article in the Arizona Republic that boggled my mind.  The Bureau of Land Management began allowing water stations to be placed in the deserts to help curb the number of heat and dehydration deaths in the illegal border crossers.  Hey why don't we put a couple of shelters and soup kitchens out there too?  For fuck's sake people we are supposed to be discouraging illegal migration, not helping them out.  Don't misunderstand me, I'm not some heartless bitch that wishes death upon people seeking a better life, but don't start your life in our country as a criminal.  Come over legally, even if it takes 10 years to be granted the ability, wait for it, it will be worth it.
Same topic, different scenario, there was a stash house in Phoenix where authorities discovered dozens of illegal immigrants (men,women and children) they were being forced to remain in this small home with no running water, food or air conditioning for that matter, it was deplorable.  After some time they arrested 3 men who had smuggled these people over and forced them to stay in the home.  The three men were citizens of Mexico and also in the country illegally.  Almost immediately public arguments began on what should be done to these men.  Some said we should process them through our legal system and charge them with kidnapping, child endangerment etc, others said hand them over the Mexican authorities, and still others said we should just shoot them.  I personally agree with the latter, anyone who force those conditions on another human (especially a child) doesn't deserve to live.  A second branch of arguments arose from the first.  That being, did they have the right to an American trail?  In my opinion, the answer would be hell no.

They aren't citizens of our country, therefore none of our "rights" or "privileges" should be extended to them.  They are not protected under our constitution and don't deserve a trial by a jury of our peers.  Why in the hell should we spend our tax dollars on scum that's not even American scum?

I think this is a good spot to take a break and it will lead well into tomorrow's post :)

Moral of the story:  People need to wake up out of their "America the beautiful" dreamland and realize how ugly things really are.  Help those who deserve it, and not be so scared to brush aside those who won't even try to help themselves.  Nothing in life is free and the only thing anyone is entitled to is death, everything else you have to work for.