Micha hasn't really portrayed any emotion regarding the move, not even a hint of nervousness (though I am sure he is a least a little bit) the only thing I know for certain is that he can't wait to get away from the small mindedness of Thatcher and out of the desert heat.
I couldn't be more proud or excited for him, truly I couldn't. I can't wait for him to start out on his journey and see the way his adult life unfolds. The boy has endless potential and no anchors to hold him back.
That in mind, I have to admit, I am an absolute wreck. Every time the slightest thought of him moving pops up in my mind, I get teary eyed if not full blown start crying. Normal reaction right? I mean it's only natural that a mother will miss her child when the child leaves the home. I've seen other parents deal with the same situation and I'm still shocked by the severity of my own reactions. He'll only be 5 hours away, it's not like he'll be on the other side of the world; then it dawned upon me, the reason my emotions are so wired and my reactions so strong.
The epiphany:
Micha is my best friend, he is my smile, my strength, my courage and everything that has kept me going everyday. I got pregnant with him when I was 17, was a single mother until he was 9, I have literally spent every day of my adult life with my son, he and I grew up together. I have no idea how to live without him. I know in time, we will all adjust. I know it will get easier and I will find ways to cope with this emptiness that is taking over. For now though, I'm a mess and I feel as though my heart is being torn from my chest, or that a part of me is dying. I miss him already and he's not even gone.
That's really it, just needed to say it "out loud" I guess. So, for those of you that wonder why I look away or change the subject when talking about his plans, now you know.
A man where a boy once stood, a boy I wish I had just a bit more time with.
Aww Amanda. I totally get where you are coming from. I am far from having a child graduate. My baby will start kindergarten NEXT August and if I think about not having a preschool age child at home I get horrible anxiety attacks. I realize now that I have allowed way to much of my identity to be tied to being the Mommy of a preschool aged child. Ahhh someone forgot to tell me how hard it would be to let my girls grow up!!
ReplyDeleteJess
Exactly, I'm in no way prepared for this step.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written and articulated.
ReplyDeleteHe'll be just fine ;-)