Bartender 101: Don't get too attached

One of the most awesome things about being a bartender is that you get to meet all sorts of interesting people.  You make connections with people that you might not with in other situations; being the bartender forces you to associate with people you normally wouldn't if you were just out socializing (which can be good and bad). I've met some truly amazing people this way, people that I hold dear and care about deeply.  In fact I had a visit from a few of those people last night, made my otherwise bad night so much better.  I hope at least one of them read this and know who I am talking about.  Just in case they do, thank you, I love you guys.

Assuming that most of the people that read this aren't incredibly familiar with the area in which I operate, it's tiny and rural.  A little valley surrounded by beautiful mountains, with alfalfa and cotton fields for as far as the eye can see. A few tiny towns mushed together, kept alive by copper mining.    To say the least, local bars thrive on "regulars" (with the exception of the occasional contractor influx).  The upside of this being that you really get to know your customers. Life becomes easier, you know what they drink, and their behavior is usually predictable, you know who the trouble makers are, and you can also make some great friends. The downside of this being, you really get to know your customers and make some great friends. Normally, making friends is considered a good thing, I know, but when you're a bartender in a small town, it tends to be a double edged sword.

Before trying to make more sense of what I'm saying here, let me mention a couple of things I know to be absolute truths... 

• What makes being a bartender awesome, is the ability to make a lot of money in a very short period of time, and having good, fun customers.  Those two things can absolutely make it or break it for anyone.  For me at least, the latter supersedes the former.  I'm a greedy bitch, but if I worked with nothing but a bunch of douche bags, I wouldn't keep doing what I do. No matter your motivation, YOUR attitude and actions, will make or break you.
• The universal truth about any small town, people want out.  At least at some point in their lives, hell, even I left for quite some time and I own the fucking bar I work at.  

Moving right along, I've been bartending for a long fucking time, longer than I will admit to in public :p  I've seen thousands of people come and go over the years, didn't phase me at all.  As I've gotten older though, I've been much more about quality over quantity, people have heard me say it a hundred times, "I would rather have 50 great people in, having a good time, than 300 assholes that make everyone miserable and we have to babysit all night."  At some point in my life, atmosphere took precedence over my greed (wtf?!?!).

Herein lies my problem.  Although ultimately, I still love what I do,  I've gotten to a point where the level at which I enjoy my job is entirely based on the people I serve any given night.

Sounds pretty reasonable, nobody likes working with a bunch of dicks (except hookers they love it).  You may still be wondering, what the problem is....   Almost all of the people that "make" my nights, have moved out or moved on.  Most have left town (Tucson and Phoenix be damned!!); some have just settled down, marriages, kids, jobs, people don't have the time or the energy.

As a result, more often than not, I'm stand offish and bitchy, I can't really fake nice anymore. ← All very bad mojo for a bartender!!

You may be saying "Suck it up, Amanda, you're being a whiny bitch! A lot of people hate their jobs.", while that is mostly true, this isn't just my job, it is my livelihood.  I am the owner, the whole vibe/feel of the place takes on my attitude, and when my heart isn't in it, the business suffers.  Even if I were working for someone else, it would ultimately be the same, no one wants to hang out in a place where the bartender is grumpy all the time.

So, now I'm stuck a crossroad of choices to be made, and I'm totally clueless of what to do.  I don't know how to revert to making it all about the money again.  So, do I continue and hope things improve, or give up and walk away from the business that I've loved for so many years?

Ok, I've rambled way too much already.... Enough of that.

Moral of the story:  If you're in it for the long haul, don't let it get personal, remember why you are there $$$$$.  After all, no one becomes a bartender because they love breaking up fights and cleaning up vomit.  Be nice, smile, make people feel special, but don't let them become special, getting too close will always come back to bite you in the ass eventually.

                                                                      

The Amanda Project

Does your life have meaning?  Why are we here?  The eternal questions that have plagued humanity as far back as civilization spans.  

Lately, I've been asking myself slightly altered versions of these questions; not so much looking for a calling or a purpose, but more examining the person I am, and the impact I've  had on those unfortunate enough to be a part of my vida loca . 

Look at me, being all deep and shit, and I'm not even drinking, crazy right?   

The other day I started examining the differences between the person that I once was, and the person that I've become; let me tell you, the differences are vast.  I know that you're probably thinking, "Well, no shit, Amanda, everyone changes as the years go by." (for those of you thinking that, that know me, I'm giving you my "Wtf, really?" look), I'm looking beyond most typical and superficial changes.  I'm not going to sit here and start listing off everything *boring*, but I will say that I'm not too incredibly fond of the person I am today.   

One of the traits I've seemed to acquire in the last 10 years, is my uncanny ability to ostracize myself.  I can remember days gone by when I was this little social butterfly, who loved people and being around them; now I'm a grumpy, hermit-like, shadow of of my former self, shaking my fists in the air, screaming for people to get off my lawn.  I understand fully that some of this can be attributed to gaining in age and wisdom.  I've shed the child like naivety, and am no longer blinded by the belief that people, as a whole are generally good. People suck, society is over run with users, abusers, and self serving jackasses, who want nothing more than to find the next person that's willing to serve their purposes.  Once you've outlived your usefulness, they exit as quickly as they entered your life,  leaving  nothing but destruction and pain in their wake.  

Some may call me a cynic or say I'm jaded, but I call it realistic.  I could at this very moment spout off a list of names of people that I know only talk to me because they want something from me. Whether it be something I can give them, do for them, or to them for that matter, they have no real interest in me as a person, or in my life.   Filing through people fruitlessly trying to sort the artificial from the real thing, is tiring.  I've grown weary, and honestly have no patience for it anymore; resulting in a more guarded, cautious, and less trusting, me. 

YAY for me, right?  I mean, if you don't get close to people, they can't hurt you, expect nothing and you will never be disappointed.  So yeah, I suffer a lot less this way, but I also enjoy much less.
The downside of all of this, are the good people I've encountered and pushed away, my loss. People that have opened themselves to me, bared their souls, so to speak and I pushed them aside.  Self preservation at its finest and worst.  I know I hurt those people, I know it wasn't fair to them, and what I wouldn't give to fix it.  Let me know when you invent the time machine, will you?

Anyway, point being, that's not who I want to be.  I don't want to be the cause of someone turning into me.  

I mean I know I'm not a "bad" person, actually, I'm probably nicer than I should be most times.  Fiercely loyal to my friends, not much I won't do to make someone smile, or just to make their day a little happier, always there when they need me.  You know, they way I wish people would be to me.

This got me thinking, if I know what I don't want to be, do I know what I do want to be?  The answer I came up with, "Hell, I don't even fucking know who I am anymore."  it was frightening realization.

So, if you have been bored enough to read this far, I hope you will continue to join me for journey down the rabbit hole.  If nothing else, you might find new material to point and laugh about. 

Unlike my typical posts, there is no moral to this story, but more so an initial self realization:
I'm a good woman, and a bad girl, a wonderful contradiction.  The type who, if we were dating, you could take home to meet the folks, and your dear sweet mother would love me, unless she found out what I'm willing to do behind closed doors. 

So, it's been 2 years....

I have to start by saying this, don't ever let anyone steal your life from you. Allow me to explain... I'm obviously not talking murder, though you should try to avoid that as well, but I mean more of your essence, your core being, and identity (no, not identity theft either).  It's been two years since I've written, some would probably call it writer's block, but this goes beyond that.  It's more like my desire was stripped from me.  I love writing, I always have; don't misunderstand I've never dreamed to be a novelist or journalist of any sort, but for as long as I can remember it was the best and easiest way for me to truly convey my thoughts and feelings, to sort out my emotional messes.  
Shortly after my last post, out of pure maliciousness, someone that I loved dearly shamed me for my writing.  They said terrible, unforgivable things to me, their only intent being to hit me where they knew it would hurt, and it worked .  Ultimately, I only have myself to blame, in my own weakness of will, I allowed them the power over me to do so. I'm not trying to play the victim card, it's more of self realization I guess.  
   My entire life, I've been plagued by self-doubt, or the feeling of not being good enough, not for any one person mind you, just in general, and though I obviously never thought of myself as anything special, I always believed that I was at least a pretty decent individual overall. Then someone entered my life, and I changed myself, solely to make them happy; not just superficial changes, but key aspects of who I am as a person.  Not all of the changes were bad I suppose, but now, looking back over the years, I realize just how much of myself I've given up and I am ashamed. 

Anyone that knows me personally, and isn't just randomly reading this has probably figured out by now who I'm talking about, it's not difficult.  Those of you that do, before you completely start trashing him, please remember that I am just as much to blame as he is.  I allowed it, and I've certainly been far from perfect. 

You see all these women empowering posts all over the place, "Never settle", "Don't let no man change you" (if you're wondering, yes that was difficult for me to type).  Well, I call bullshit on that!!  In any serious relationship, there has to compromise, and I hate to drag your head out of the clouds, but you will always "settle" in some aspect.  For example, say you are Jewish and they are Catholic, well now you both celebrate Christmas and Hunnakah to be respectful to each other's traditions.  So, in some way or another to accommodate your partner, you will change little parts of yourself, it just happens, and it for the most part can be very beneficial to the relationship. 

I let it go so much deeper than that.  Year after year I gave up another piece of myself, in attempts to make things better, happier.  Which might not have been bad, if he did the same, and if I wasn't urged to do so by an ultimatum.

Enough of that, it's gotten much too long winded and I'm getting much more personal than I intended. 

Moral of the story:  While adapting to make your coexistence with another person is necessary, letting someone guilt you into fundamentally changing at your core, will lead to nothing, but resentful bitterness. 

Also, this is a piece of me I hope I am able to rebuild.  I have a more "typical of me" post in mind already, I just have to see if I can get the thoughts out into written word.