The softer side

Assuming that you aren't a total stranger that just happens to be reading my blog, you know that Micha (my son) has just graduated high school and is all set to move to Flagstaff and start attending NAU.  He'll be moving at the end of July so I still have two months but two months will pass in a blink of an eye. 

Micha hasn't really portrayed any emotion regarding the move, not even a hint of nervousness (though I am sure he is a least a little bit) the only thing I know for certain is that he can't wait to get away from the small mindedness of Thatcher and out of the desert heat. 

I couldn't be more proud or excited for him, truly I couldn't.  I can't wait for him to start out on his journey and see the way his adult life unfolds. The boy has endless potential and no anchors to hold him back.

That in mind, I have to admit, I am an absolute wreck.  Every time the slightest thought of him moving pops up in my mind, I get teary eyed if not full blown start crying.  Normal reaction right?  I mean it's only natural that a mother will miss her child when the child leaves the home.  I've seen other parents deal with the same situation and I'm still shocked by the severity of my own reactions.  He'll only be 5 hours away, it's not like he'll be on the other side of the world; then it dawned upon me, the reason my emotions are so wired and my reactions so strong.

The epiphany:

Micha is my best friend, he is my smile, my strength, my courage and everything that has kept me going everyday. I got pregnant with him when I was 17, was a single mother until he was 9, I have literally spent every day of my adult life with my son, he and I grew up together.  I have no idea how to live without him.  I know in time, we will all adjust.  I know it will get easier and I will find ways to cope with this emptiness that is taking over.  For now though, I'm a mess and I feel as though my heart is being torn from my chest, or that a part of me is dying.  I miss him already and he's not even gone. 

That's really it, just needed to say it "out loud" I guess.  So, for those of you that wonder why I look away or change the subject when talking about his plans, now you know.

A man where a boy once stood, a boy I wish I had just a bit more time with.

It's been a long time... no really, like a really long time.

I haven't blogged since September of last year, I just reread that post and thought, damn that was a good post, I should write another.  Let me try to explain my absence or lack of motivation.  Typically when I write, I'm driven by anger, how easily the words flow when I'm completely pissed off.  However, for the last few (perhaps more) months I've felt exhausted and defeated, had more of the attitude of why bother to even waste my breath?  That combined with the fact that someone dear to me has started getting shitty with me about my blogs and it's kind of derailed my writing train.



Screw that! If they don't like what I have to say, or the fact that I say it semi publicly then they can kiss my lily white bottom.  I'm still feeling slightly defeated but had just enough of a crazy weekend that here I am.  Time to let my little demons out to play.


Quick recap:
2014 so far has been a screwed up year, filled with a lot of heart ache and worry, not only for myself but many people I know. 
At the beginning of the year, I lost a very dear friend, a man that was loved by all that knew him.  My heart still aches when I think of him or see his picture.  I feel very fortunate to be able to call him my friend and that I have many cherished memories, Raul Luzania, I love you <3

That is how the year started and honestly it hasn't gotten any easier.  In February I experienced something I hope to never go through again, when we had a psychotic scum bag stab another patron in our club,  Anthony Lucero Torres of Deming, New Mexico, I hope you are being slowly and painfully tortured somewhere right now. 

Ok, so those are a couple of examples of how stupid this year has been, let me fast forward to this past Friday night...

Friday we had a decent crowd, pretty evenly mixed of our beloved regulars and unfamiliar faces. EAC (the local college) had their graduation, we had a lot of people in celebrating for that.  It was a good time. Until I stepped out on to the patio for a quick stress reliever (a cigarette, they keep me from going to prison for homicide, don't judge) and I see puke, puke and more puke.  Nice, jackass couldn't even manage to find the oversized  garbage can.  Now, thankfully I'm the boss and rarely anymore do I have to actually clean the puke myself, so I inform the bouncer and he goes about disposing of the mess. 
Moments later I am informed that some unknown man had stepped into our broom closet and hadn't come out yet.  Now keep in mind this room is tiny, barely room for an adult person to stand in width wise and all that is in there are brooms, the mop and the hot water heater.  Upon receiving this news, I ask one of my male customers to take a peek and see if the guy is just passed out or what.  He opens the door, and sees the guy with his pants down, closes the door.  At this point I ask him to go get the bouncer for me.  While waiting I held the door shut as the guy inside is frantically trying to get out, yeah, fuck that, no way I'm letting out because I would have probably gone to jail if I had to deal with him.  Bouncer arrives (the same bouncer that cleaned the puke, poor guy right?) I quickly explain the situation and walk away before I kill someone.  He throws the guy out and proceeds to clean the puddle of pee off of the floor in the broom closet.  Seriously motherfucker went into a tiny pitch black room and thought "Hey this obviously must be the bathroom" Couldn't even walk out and pee in the parking lot with the rest of the numbskulls that have yet, discovered indoor plumbing? 

It is now 1 am and we are all doing the one more hour dance... this hour goes by with little issue.  Closer to 2 am the poor over worked man has to duck out into the parking lot to deal with some people that were drinking in their car (big time against the law kids) Shortly after he'd gone outside a customer approaches me at the bar and says something that just absolutely blew my mind, seriously this one sentence took quite a bit of time to sink it, hell I still can't believe it really.  Before, I continue let me explain our bathroom set up for anyone unfamiliar.  We have 2 men's restrooms, one single room with a toilet and sink, and then another room with 6 urinals and a sink.  Ok, where were we, oh yes, the comment that broke my brain... "Uh Amanda, someone shit on the floor by the urinal"

Bam! Brain broken! "Huh, what, are you serious?  Like really? It's not puke?"

First I can't even begin to comprehend someone doing it, and also can't understand how no one else caught the pig in the act.  Seriously, bathrooms are busy places in a bar. 

Who the fuck shits on the floor?  We never did find out who did it, and the poor unfortunate bouncer who will now be known as the "Master of the mess" had to clean it up.


Moral of the story: Just when I think I've seen it all, humanity never fails to step down to a new low and prove me wrong!